{"id":245,"date":"2026-04-01T03:14:54","date_gmt":"2026-04-01T03:14:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/?p=245"},"modified":"2026-04-01T19:13:50","modified_gmt":"2026-04-01T19:13:50","slug":"talia-kay-the-baby-who-may-or-may-not-be-in-heaven","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/?p=245","title":{"rendered":"Talia Kay, the baby who may or may not be in Heaven"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

[CONTENT WARNING: Parts of this post may be graphic, discuss menstrual periods, excessive bleeding, and miscarriage.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS is a hormonal imbalance caused by an over-abundance of eggs in the ovaries. All of the eggs release estrogen. Because there are so many eggs, there is enough hormone produced that the brain thinks ovulation has already taken place. The brain therefore fails to send the hormone releasing signal to ovulate. Cysts often form on the ovaries and can be seen through ultrasound. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another very common symptom and indicator of PCOS is irregular periods. A typical, regular period should take place about every 28 days or so. For people like me, our periods are a little different. As a teen, I used to be somewhat regular. I would have a period. Then a month later I would have another one. For the next one however, it would be a month and half apart. I remember once having two periods in one month!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I got older and became sexually active, my periods started to grow farther and farther apart. Sometimes they would happen 3 or four months apart! At the end of 2022 into 2023, my periods were very light. I was not even sure I could call them periods. They were just light spotting. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In March of 2023, I started my period. To my surprise, it was a normal period! I actually bled with a couple days of medium to heavy bleeding like a normal period should. Because my periods are so irregular, there was no way for me to calculate when I would ovulate. Nick and I had been trying to have a family for about 4 years at that time. We were intimate a few times after my period, hoping to catch my fertile window. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In April, I noticed some changes in my body, particularly in my breasts. I just remember being very aware of them. Nick thought they looked a little bigger too. Easter came, and Nick and I wanted to have mimosas. I took a pregnancy test to know whether it was safe to drink or not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was hopeful. I peed on a stick, then waited the agonizing 3 minutes! I went back to check, and was disappointed, yet again, to see only one line. At least I could have a mimosa with my husband. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A week after my pregnancy test, I started my period again. At first, things seemed normal. Then they weren\u2019t. I started to feel nauseous. While working with a client on Monday, I felt like I was going to throw up. When his session was done, I cancelled the rest of my clients and went home for the day. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Later that week, as I was sitting on the couch, I felt a blood clot. It went straight through my pad and my pants onto the couch! From there, I started bleeding extremely heavily. Every couple of hours, I needed to change my pad! I Google searched \u201cHow much blood is too much blood to lose on your period?\u201d and \u201cHow much blood do you need to lose to go to the emergency room?\u201d I was just borderline at the point of considering going to the ER. In hindsight, maybe I should have. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Thursday, I went to the bathroom. As I sat on the toilet, large blood clots came out. Among the blood clots was one that caused alarm! It wasn\u2019t a normal, dark red ball of blood like the others. This one was pink and rectangle shaped. The texture was fleshy and made me think of raw steak. If you have ever eaten steak in a Mexican taco, that\u2019s what it looked like, but raw. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat in the world is that?!\u201d At the time, we did not have health insurance, so the only medical professional I felt I could consult was Dr. Google. I put in the description of the object that came out of me. Dr. Google led me to think that I had an early miscarriage. But my pregnancy test was negative! I was so confused but thought, \u201cMaybe it was too early to be detected on a pregnancy test.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I called Nick into the bedroom as I sat on the bed, looking at my phone. My voice shaking, I told him what happened in the bathroom and what Google said. \u201cI don\u2019t know for sure, but I think I had a miscarriage.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nick and I were both pretty distraught. While talking with a close friend that week, he told him what happened. Our friend told Nick, \u201cThat sounds like a miscarriage me and my wife had.\u201d At this point, I was so conflicted. Was Google right? Did I have a miscarriage? Or was it just a heavy period because of my PCOS? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our friend\u2019s wife later called me and we had a long conversation. She told me about her miscarriage and that what I went through sounded a lot like what she went through. She also affirmed that with PCOS, it can be so hard to tell what actually happened. \u201cI didn\u2019t know,\u201d I cried on the phone. \u201cI didn\u2019t know!\u201d She comforted me with thoughts of my baby being in Heaven with Jesus. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even after talking with her, my mind still went back and forth. Nick was ready to accept that we lost a baby. I was driving myself crazy. In order to help us grieve, Nick and I decided to give our baby a name. I remember we were sitting in a parking lot. I was looking through a baby name book that belonged to my mom. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We decided to use a girl\u2019s name since we all technically start out as female before our genitals develop. I flipped through the book and found myself in the \u201cT\u2019s.\u201d The name Talia seemed intriguing to me. \u201cWhat about Talia?\u201d I asked Nick. \u201cTalia Kay?\u201d As soon as the name left my lips, I started to cry again. \u201cThat\u2019s perfect,\u201d he said. We sat in the car and cried together and mourned over Talia Kay. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I continued to mourn long after that. I would frequently burst into tears as the thought would cross my mind, \u201cMy baby died.\u201d I would be so overcome with sadness. Then, a few moments later, I would be angry with myself and remind myself, \u201cNo, you have PCOS. You haven\u2019t actually had bleeding periods in a while. This was just the buildup of not having a period.\u201d But then I would start to feel guilty, like I was rejecting or abandoning my unborn child. \u201cWhat if I was pregnant? I can\u2019t just not grieve a life that was lost!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even with picking a name, my mind was still in a whirlwind. I decided to contact my doctor through MyChart. At first, my medical team was not helpful. I was told that if I was bleeding such and such amount of blood that I should go to the emergency room. Well, at that point, my period had ended. I didn\u2019t tell the doctor I thought I had a miscarriage at first. I wanted them to tell me they thought it was something else or see if they wanted to do some testing. I wanted the doctor to confirm it had happened. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

After much back and forth, I finally told the nurse I thought I had a miscarriage and that I was in emotional distress over it. The nurse confirmed that the day I took the pregnancy test was too early in my cycle to test. But she also assured me I wasn\u2019t pregnant. But the test was too early, so how could she be so sure? I needed some peace of mind. If there was a pregnancy, I needed to know so I could grieve. If there was no pregnancy, I needed to know so I could move on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After some more back and forth with the nurse, the doctor finally suggested I get lab work done to confirm there was no pregnancy. Two weeks after my period from hell, I had a pregnancy test done via blood. The test was negative. When I later went to see him in his office, he brushed off my concerns about my period. I was sure at the very least he\u2019d want to examine me or run some tests! \u201cYou had what we call a \u2018true period’.\u2019 You actually ovulated and just had a heavy period.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n

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At first, I was relieved, but also a little sad. There was no pregnancy. There was no baby. Talia didn\u2019t exist. I could move on. As weird as it sounds I would rather it have been a miscarriage than a negative test. At least that way I would know that I can get pregnant. And maybe I would have a baby in Heaven. But then the doubts crept in. What if the pregnancy was so early that by the time the doctor ran labs, my HCG hormone (the hormone measured on a pregnancy test) had already returned to baseline! What if the doctor waited too long to act and I really was pregnant? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Five months after my period in April, I had my period again. Just as before, the floodgates were opened. I again had to take a week off of work. There was so much blood that I asked my poor husband to go to the store to get adult diapers and baby wipes for me. There were several times where I would sit on the toilet for 5 or ten minutes at a time, and the blood would flow, clot after clot. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This became my norm. Every 4 to 6 months I would have a period that would decimate my body! I had to take a week off of work. I was so sick. My body was a ticking time-bomb. I was so exhausted from the toll these periods took on my body. I was beginning to doubt my OB that this was normal. Something was really wrong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In January of 2025, Nick and I finally got health insurance! Not long after, I went to a different OBGYN. I finally felt listened to on my fertility journey! She ordered some testing for me. She also prescribed a medication called Provera, or progesterone, that would force a withdrawal bleed (a.k.a.period). After my period was done, she wanted me to have an ultrasound to see what was going on in my uterus. Despite bleeding for nearly 14 days, my uterine lining was still extremely thick! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We decided the best course of action was to perform a D&C, or dilation and curettage procedure. The idea was to reset the uterine lining, then we could manage my periods with medication. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

During the procedure, it was discovered that I was filled to the brim with polyps! After surgery, the polyps were sent to a lab for analysis. The OB assured me that she did not see any signs of calcification, so she did not suspect infection or cancer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Following my procedure, I felt amazing! I felt light. I was warned that I may have some bleeding after, but I did not bleed. It was wonderful! The procedure happened on Thursday. I was able to return to work on Monday. Life went back to normal, but now we had restored hope at having a family. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then, on May 2nd, 2025, my OB called me on her personal cell phone to tell me the worst case scenario- I had endometrial cancer. This was the cause of my extreme periods and the current reason I was not able to get pregnant. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now knowing that I have cancer, I have so many more questions. Now it is looking more like Talia did not exist. What if what we thought was a miscarriage was the start of my cancer symptoms? What if we did have a miscarriage and the cells left over caused the cancer? What if I had cancer and that caused a miscarriage? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hate not knowing. I hate that no one can tell me what actually happened. I hate that I will never know the truth. Maybe it\u2019s my deep desire to have a family that makes it hard for me to let Talia go and move on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Infertility sucks. It\u2019s like having your arms wide open, ready to give all the love you can to another being only to be sitting and waiting for what feels like forever. It is an empty feeling. It is a deep ache that causes your heart to groan with sadness. Compared to my peers and friends, I feel left behind. I feel left out of conversations because I don\u2019t have kids or funny stories to share. All of my friends that don\u2019t have kids keep getting younger and younger. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hate my body for not functioning like it\u2019s supposed to. I hate that something that seems to come so naturally for the rest of the world doesn\u2019t happen for me. Now that I have cancer, I hate my body even more. Things seemed to go from bad to worse in regards to my fertility. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The oncologist told us that with cancer in my uterus, an embryo does not have a viable environment in which to implant. Even if I did get pregnant, the pregnancy would end in a miscarriage. Our hopes of having a family were slowly dying. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

An MRI revealed that the cancer in my uterus was in the muscle tissue of the uterine wall and was making an attempt to leave and spread. The doctor\u2019s initial recommendation was to perform a hysterectomy. However, knowing that Nick and I wanted a family, she gave us the option to try and treat the cancer. There was the risk that things could get worse instead of better. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We decided to take the risk and treat the cancer. I was put on progesterone therapy. I was given a strong medication called Megetrol that is a strong dose of progesterone. I also had an IUD inserted in July intended to emit more progesterone and target the cancer more head-on. After almost a year, we are so excited to report (at the time that I am writing this) that the cancer has completely retracted from the uterine wall! My most recent biopsy only found pre-cancer cells! The actual cancer is gone. We are continuing treatment to ensure that the pre-cancer cells do not have a chance to turn back into cancer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our hope of having a family has been restored! Because there is a 50% chance of the cancer coming back, we need to have a family as quickly as possible. After we have our baby, we need to have a hysterectomy to keep me cancer free! Since we have been trying to have a baby for so long, we are at the point of needing help conceiving with an endocrinologist, or fertility specialist. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We are so excited to finally get to try to have a baby! But the thought of Talia still weighs heavy on my mind. With already grieving from infertility, that makes grieving Talia difficult. Having cancer makes grieving Talia confusing. Will my baby have a sister in Heaven? Will having an actual baby heal this hole in my heart, or will Talia forever take up residence there? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know when I have my own baby, I am going to love him or her with every fiber of my being! But I wonder what life would have been like if we had Talia, if she was a real pregnancy that was able to be carried full term. Who would she have been? What would it have been like to hold her? If we had her, I probably wouldn\u2019t be on this cancer journey in the first place!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Again, I may never have the answers to my many questions. I think I will always wonder. I will always be confused and conflicted. I will always grieve. But at the same time, we can love another someone and still live our lives. I can love Talia and still move on to love this baby we hope to have soon! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if I wasn\u2019t really pregnant, I can sympathize with women who have miscarried. I know what it feels like to want a baby so bad and think I lost it. I know the helpless feeling that I couldn\u2019t protect my baby or keep it safe from whatever war was happening in my womb. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you have lost a baby and I were sitting with you face to face, I\u2019d give you a big, long hug. I would encourage you that it\u2019s okay to grieve and to cry. Grief is part of being human. If you are longing for a baby and it hasn\u2019t happened for you yet, I see you. It is such a lonely feeling, but I promise you, you are not alone. If you have cancer, don\u2019t give up hope. I know not all stores are a success like mine, but if we gave up hope, we may have never found cancer in the first place. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My all-time favorite verses in the Bible are Isaiah 43:1-2. \u201cBut now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: \u2018Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These verses have been an encouragement to me through many difficult trials in my life. Bad things happen. Infertility affects so many women. Miscarriage is heartbreaking. Cancer wrecks so many lives. God did not intend for there to be pain and suffering in the world. The world is broken and sinful, so now we have pain and suffering. But God does not let us sit in our trials alone. He is with us in the fire. He is holding our hand in the rushing river. I am still confused and grieving, but I know that I don\u2019t grieve alone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I still think about Talia and grieve for her often. However, I am also excited to move on with the next chapter of our life! In most states, insurance companies are not required to cover fertility treatment. Our next part of our journey will have to be paid for out of pocket! A round of IVF, for example, can cost $15,000 to $20,000 USD! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and fertility treatments. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon. <\/p>\n\n\n

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[CONTENT WARNING: Parts of this post may be graphic, discuss menstrual periods, excessive bleeding, and miscarriage.] I have PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS is a hormonal imbalance caused by an over-abundance of eggs in the ovaries. All of the eggs release estrogen. Because there are so many eggs, there is enough hormone produced that…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":246,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[8,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-245","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-grief","category-infertility"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/245","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=245"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/245\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":248,"href":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/245\/revisions\/248"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/246"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=245"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=245"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=245"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}