{"id":385,"date":"2026-08-22T11:00:26","date_gmt":"2026-08-22T11:00:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/?p=385"},"modified":"2026-08-21T00:42:18","modified_gmt":"2026-08-21T00:42:18","slug":"resting-in-the-garden-of-chaos","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thepeachribbonclub.com\/?p=385","title":{"rendered":"Resting in the Garden of Chaos"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Every summer when I was a kid, my mom would grow a little garden in the backyard. We had a detached garage. The garden was placed along the side of the garage that got the most sun. I mainly remember her growing tomatoes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I became an adult, got married, and started to build my own life, I too wanted to have my  own garden. Nick and I have always talked about having chickens and a big vegetable garden in our backyard. But when we first got married, we lived in a townhome. There was not much room for a little homestead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was determined to have a garden anyways. I knew tomatoes needed to be planted next to each other. I bought two very large pots and a couple of seed packets. I filled the pots with dirt, then in each pot, I dumped an entire seed packet\u2026 If you know anything about gardening, this is a no-no. My tomato vines grew and grew, then the pots were quickly overcrowded. I got a single flower at the end of the season, and not a single tomato. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, I had learned my lesson. Only one or two seeds per container at a time. No dumping seed packets! The next summer, Nick and I had moved out of state and were renting a house. I bought two tomato plants instead of starting them from seed. The house we rented had a big, beautiful sun porch. To prevent the tomatoes from getting pests, I decided to keep them in pots indoors. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think my intentions were good, but the tomatoes didn\u2019t seem to like being cooped up indoors. They had a harder time pollinating. By the end of the season, I had a single tomato. But this was progress! I actually grew something! Unfortunately, I wasn\u2019t sure when to pick it, so I let it sit on the vine a little too long. When I finally went to harvest my single tomato, it had started to mold and rot on the vine! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The following summer, Nick and I moved out of our house and into an apartment. I then started my little patio garden. I put my tomatoes in my big pots again. This time, they stayed outside. I also grew basil, parsley, rosemary, thyme, mint, and some flowers. Some things I started indoors from seeds. Flowers I usually bought and repotted around my vegetable and herb plants. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My herbs grew beautifully. I was able to prune them over and over again. I would bring them inside and dry them in my kitchen. I got some tomatoes to grow, but watering was an issue, and the fruits would often split open. Still, I kept trying. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My garden is something I love having and maintaining every summer. I typically start my seeds in December indoors. I grow multiples to have as \u201cbackups.\u201d Then, as the weather grows warm, I harden them slowly until it is time to plant them permanently for the summer. Hardening, for you non-gardiners, is leaving your plants outside for short periods at a time, then slowly increasing the time spent outside to help your plants acclimate.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once my garden was in full bloom, I would go out every Saturday and tend to my garden. I would prune my herbs. Then I\u2019d bring them inside and hang them in the kitchen to dry. I\u2019d harvest the ripe tomatoes. I\u2019d pick chamomile flowers to dry for tea. I\u2019d water my garden. I\u2019d dead-head some of the flowers. I\u2019d refill the bird feeder. I would also clean the hummingbird feeder and make fresh nectar. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I love to sit outside and admire my garden. I love watching the hummingbirds hover over the feeder and drink their nectar. I love the way my kitchen looks and smells with fresh herbs hanging. I love the taste of fresh tea, not from the store. To enjoy all of these things that I love, having my garden is a lot of learning, trial and error, and work. <\/p>\n\n\n

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As a Christian, I also practice the Sabbath. This is not like the Jewish Sabbath. I practice mine on Sundays. I go to church, then Nick and I usually take a nap. I often take Poe to the dog park or for a walk. We just enjoy each other\u2019s company and time of rest. But before I can rest, I spend my Saturdays cleaning my home and prepping for the week ahead. While Sundays are relaxing, my Saturdays are often busy. However, my garden gives me joy amongst the chaos. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In May of 2025, I learned that I had endometrial cancer. After 5 \u00bd years of trying to have a baby, this was pretty devastating. That weekend after I got my diagnosis, I couldn\u2019t sleep. I was too anxious. I remember getting out of bed. It was maybe 3 or 4 in the morning. I made a cup of tea. I lit my citronella candle. I put on a hoodie and slippers, grabbed a blanket, and sat outside. It was raining and cold outside. In my grief, I found a little comfort listening to the rain and being surrounded by my plants.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

On June 2nd, Nick and I had our 7 year wedding anniversary. Instead of going out to eat, we decided to have a home cooked meal at home. We put out the fancy plates and silverware with our wine glasses on the patio table in the garden. On a day that should be happy, Nick and I were both filled with grief. We usually talk about our successes from the past year, ways we\u2019ve grown, and goals for our next year of marriage. This time around, the conversation was more centered around cancer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In July of 2025, I had a D&C, or dilation and curettage, and also had an IUD inserted into my uterus. The IUD, along with oral medication, was intended to pump my body with progesterone to target the cancer. After my surgery, I had the worst cramping I ever experienced in my life. On the pain scale of 1 to 10, the pain was definitely an 8 or a 9. Nick was left panicking. The oncologist was an hour away. We could go to the hospital in town, but they were not the ones who put the IUD in, so they wouldn\u2019t know what was going on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thankfully, I have a friend who is an OB-GYN. I texted her. \u201cHey, I know you\u2019re not my doctor, but can I ask you a medical question?\u201d We determined that simple ibuprofen would do the trick to help relieve my cramping. I continued to have bad cramping and bleeding, but they stopped after a couple of weeks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I later had another D&C in November. After the procedure, I continued to cramp. Daily. This time, the cramps did not go away after a couple of weeks. At the time I am writing this, it is currently August, and I am still cramping every day. My cramps usually start first thing in the morning. They then kick in again in the evening. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

At first, a dose of ibuprofen and some time with the heating pad would help relieve the pain, but not always. There are days where I have to cancel clients and stay home from work because I am in too much pain. I started taking more and more ibuprofen throughout the day. I later learned that Aleve is stronger than ibuprofen. I often go back and forth between the two. When Aleve stops working, I switch back to ibuprofen, and visa versa. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

These cramps do not feel like normal period cramps. It is often a full body experience as my uterus tries to tell me it wants the IUD out! I am often left exhausted by the time the cramping stops. I am usually debilitated. If I stand and try to cook or wash dishes, I am often folding over in pain. There have been so many times Nick has had to help me off the couch so I could go to bed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nick and I have a frequent conversation in our home. \u201cYou have cancer.\u201d \u201cWell, you have cancer.\u201d \u201cJess, you have cancer!\u201d I am so tired of hearing that. Cancer has left me feeling frustrated and useless. Every now and then, I switch the cushions around on the couch when they start to take on the shape of my body. I feel like I live on my couch when I\u2019m not working. I feel trapped and confined. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rest is important. In Genesis 1 and 2, God created the earth and everything in it in 6 days. On the 7th day, He rested. He did not rest because He got tired after making everything. God rested to set an example for us and teach us to do the same. We are not invincible. Our earthly human bodies need rest. We can\u2019t do it all. Jesus said in Mark 2:27, \u201cThe Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.\u201d The Sabbath is God\u2019s gift to us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rest is often hard, especially in our busy hustle culture. I constantly feel like I need to be doing something. When I can\u2019t do something, negative feelings start flooding in. I feel helpless. I feel useless. I feel like I am wasting time just sitting or sleeping the day away. Now that I am being treated for cancer, suddenly my busy hustle lifestyle has been halted. These negative thoughts and feelings have become more of a daily battle for me.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I love my home being spotless by the time Sunday, or my Sabbath, rolls around. More and more frequently though, Sunday comes and there are still dishes in the sink. There are still baskets of laundry waiting to be folded. The water level in my fishtank often recedes by several gallons before I get around to doing a water change. The humming birds and finches all seem to stare at me through the window. They want to know where their nectar and bird seed is! I hardly go to church anymore. Often my cramps keep me home. Watching church online just isn\u2019t the same. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I usually start seeds for my garden in December. This year, I started a couple of cherry tomato seeds and a couple of container-friendly cucumber seeds in June. By the time they were big enough to go outside, I decided to try a chaos garden method. I took my herb and flower seeds and spread them in the pots with my tomatoes and cucumbers. \u201cWe\u2019ll just see if anything grows.\u201d I am very organized. I usually plan out the garden ahead of time. I space things evenly. This year, chaos was all I had time and energy for. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Despite the circumstances, I actually had a somewhat successful garden this year, and it\u2019s still growing. I have gotten lots of cucumbers. My cherry tomatoes are finally starting to ripen. I have chamomile drying for tea. I have gotten lots of green beans. Some things have fallen through the cracks though. I have some basil growing, but I don\u2019t have lots of sweet smelling herbs hanging in my kitchen. I don\u2019t have petunias hanging in my hanging baskets. I am happy with what I\u2019ve gotten out of my garden, but I am sad I cannot get more from it than if I had more energy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God wants us to rest because He knows it\u2019s good for us. But rest is such a struggle area for me. \u201cThe Sabbath was made for man.\u201d The Sabbath doesn\u2019t have to take place just one day a week. There are no rules, except to rest in the Lord. Jesus said in Matthew 11:28, \u201cCome to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.\u201d God wants us to find our peace and rest in Him. I am learning to rest and trust God while my body fights cancer. I am learning as I clean my house that it doesn\u2019t have to be perfect. I remind myself frequently, \u201cdon\u2019t make perfect, just make better.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If there are a few dishes sitting in the sink, I\u2019ll clean them on Monday. If the birdfeeders are empty, birds are resourceful. They will find some bugs or another feeder until I get a chance to fill mine again. My plants can go a day or two without watering. Take-out once in a while is okay if I\u2019m too sore to cook.    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For those of you who are thinking or asking, \u201cWhere is Nick in all of this?\u201d, he\u2019s right there with me. He often cooks dinner for me. He loads and empties the dishwasher. He recently took over my job of grocery shopping to lighten my load. But we are two different people with different perspectives on clean and dirty. I am more of the perfectionist out of the two of us. I hold my standards on cleanliness a lot higher and put a lot more pressure on myself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nick is an amazing caretaker. I am just too stubborn to listen or slow down! I am so thankful to have Nick. He reminds me that it\u2019s going to be okay. He encourages me to let go of the pressure I put on myself. \u201cJess, you have cancer!\u201d Through my weakness and need for the Sabbath, I am reminded that I can\u2019t do it all. I have cancer. I am sick right now. I need to let my body rest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For those of you facing cancer with me, let me be the first to tell you, it\u2019s going to be okay. It\u2019s okay to let go of perfection and your expectations. In fact, it\u2019s not just okay, it\u2019s necessary. You\u2019re not going to be able to keep up with everything. Things are going to be different. You\u2019re going to have more days of just sitting on the couch watching YouTube and wondering where the time went. Those days are important. Rest allows your body to recharge and is especially important while fighting cancer. Your body is working hard. Give it a fighting chance. Give yourself permission to rest. Find rest in Jesus. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am looking forward to next year\u2019s garden. I am hopeful that I will be cancer-free by next summer. Who knows? Maybe there will be a baby on the way next year! Chaos gardening has been a blessing in disguise. I think I will apply what I have learned during this season of my life to my next summer garden. \u201cNot perfect, just better.\u201d My garden doesn\u2019t have to be perfect. Chaos has its time and place. I can let go of perfection, rest, and enjoy my time in the garden. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I am resting and fighting cancer, we are also getting ready to start fertility treatments. In most states, insurance companies are not required to cover fertility treatment. Our next part of our journey will have to be paid for out of pocket! A round of IVF for example can cost $15,000 to $20,000! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and fertility treatments. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.<\/p>\n\n\n

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