Creature Comforts
Girls are trained early for motherhood. Raise your hand if you carried around a baby doll or two as a kid! And what is playing with dolls but practice for motherhood! Ever since I was little, I wanted to be a mom. I cared for my baby dolls with pride. My stuffed animals or Barbies would even get pregnant and have babies of their own! When I said my prayers at night, I would ask God to let me have twins! I wanted at least one of each- a boy and a girl! That desire to be a mom followed me into adulthood.
As I grew older, I was very studious. I went on to college, then graduate school. I met Nick, fell in love, and got married after graduation. I then went on to complete my 6 month internship for my music therapy certification. Toward the end of the internship, Nick and I decided to start trying to have a family. I then took my board certification exam and passed! Shortly after, I was offered a job out of state. We packed up and moved so I could start my career in music therapy. Despite all of the life-change happening, starting a family was still at the forefront of my mind.
We kept trying and trying. We waited and waited. I can’t tell you how many pregnancy tests I went through. They were all negative, and each one came with heartbreak and frustration. As we waited, Nick and I started to find interests and hobbies, both individually and as a couple.
I admit it. I married a nerd…. I might be a nerd too. Nick taught me how to play dungeons and dragons (DnD) early on in our relationship. Eventually, we began miniature painting and terrain building together. We started playing with a group of friends, then another, and another. I went even further and had an itch to try DMing (being a dungeon master). I led my first homebrew campaign with some friends online that lasted quite a while. Nick and I currently have an in-person DnD group with some of his guy friends. We play every other week. We have snacks, hang out, and get into silly shenanigans with our characters!
Being married to a nerd, I was also introduced to video games. Animal Crossing New Horizons came out at the perfect time in 2020! I spent so many hours playing that game during lockdown and building my own world. I like to brag that I still have the same island I started in 2020. I never restarted. I just kept making my island better! Nick also introduced me to Pokémon and I played through a few of the games. A couple of years ago, he bought me my first “big girl” game for Christmas. Baldur’s Gate 3.
Nick streamed on Twitch for a while. I soon became interested and became his “social media manager” as well as a moderator on his stream. When Nick stopped streaming, I decided to start streaming my own channel. My weekends are now filled with more Animal Crossing and other cozy games.
In addition to finding new interests and hobbies, our family dynamic also changed. In January of 2024, Nick and I brought home our dog, Poe, to be a part of the family! We knew that Poe was a beagle mix, but we were clueless on the other half. We recently put two and two together and realized that Poe is mixed with a herding breed! Our best guess is that he’s a blue heeler and beagle mix.
Poe has mastered what is called the “hard stare.” It is a technique herding dogs use to control other animals. He uses it on me frequently… He tells me when it’s time for a walk. He tells me when it’s time to sit on the couch. He tells me when it’s time for bed.
Poe and I have a somewhat strict routine. We get up and go for a walk in the morning. Then after breakfast, we have morning cuddles. When I come home in the afternoon, we go for another walk. After I get home from work, we go to the park in the evening. Dinner is always at 7 PM. He gets upset when I go to bed after 11. He also knows that he goes to “school” (doggy daycare) on Thursdays. If I deviate from this routine, all hell breaks loose!
Nick has made some new friends recently through his music community. He has been encouraging me to get to know his friends and their wives. “They don’t have kids, like us!” he tells me. I love my friends with kids, but it’s sometimes hard to relate to them. I admit, it’s nice having someone my age without kids to talk to. We have gone over to some friends’ homes for dinner and games and plan on having more dinners and hangouts together.
On top of all of these fun things and life things, I have been working. A lot. My caseload is always full. I am constantly getting referrals that I have to turn down. I often work late into the evening. I sometimes work on weekends to catch up. We have always planned for Nick to be the stay-at-home dad, but I still sometimes worry if I’ll even have time for a family. Despite my growing career and busy schedule, I still really want a baby.
In May of 2025, I learned that I have endometrial cancer. My hopes of having a baby were crushed by the news. Thankfully, we have been given the opportunity to try to treat the cancer. We have beaten the cancer back to the pre-cancer stage. Now we are just waiting for the last bit to go. Once I am cancer free, Nick and I will be pursuing fertility treatments. After we have a baby, the plan is to do a hysterectomy to prevent the cancer from coming back.
The cancer is almost gone. We are so close. I have been waiting for almost 7 years to have a baby. But now that we are so close, my mind has been filled with doubt and fear. Don’t get me wrong. I am still so desperate to have a baby, but I also realize that I am comfortable with my life. I have become a creature of comfort.
I like mine and Poe’s routine. He keeps me on schedule and keeps me active with our daily walks. Dnd is fun and one of the highlights of my week. I enjoy playing games with Nick online. I like our new friends and the flexibility they have to hang out. I also recently have been getting back into some old hobbies, like playing my violin, drawing, and reading. I like my job and staying busy.
Having a baby means there will be change. Poe will have to share the morning routine with the baby. And as the baby ages, our routine will change again and again. We might have to cut back on DnD or take a break all together. It might be harder to see our friends. We may need to hire a babysitter, and we won’t have as flexible of a schedule. I will have less time to play games or draw. I also think about my job. How will I balance work and taking care of a tiny human?
I have been waiting so long to have a baby, that I realize I have gotten comfortable. My interests and hobbies have become firmly established. When I first got married, I was so ready. The longer we waited, the more our lives got filled with other things. After 8 years of marriage, there is more to lose than when we first started trying. I also realize that I am scared to let go. I am scared of change.
As I think about my work and my fun things, I wonder to myself, “Am I willing to let some or all of these things go?” I sometimes doubt if I actually want a baby. I doubt if I’ll even be a good mother. Am I too immature because I play video games and play make believe with my friends with dice? Will I still have friends if I have a baby?
Then I think about how sad I’d be if I don’t have this baby. I realize that change is part of life and maybe having a baby is still worth it. Our DnD group is made up of Nick, myself, and a few guys in their early 20’s. They are married or have girlfriends. At some point, they may have their own kids, and they won’t be as available for shenanigans with dice. Other friends may move away. My job may change or we may move away as opportunities arise. We just don’t know what the future holds for us.
Change is inevitable. As a believer in Christ, change is required. The Bible says, in 2 Corinthians 5, verse 17, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” Because of this, I think the devil wants us to stay comfortable. I realize that my desire to stay comfortable is selfish. By holding onto my hobbies and my lifestyle, I am denying myself the opportunity to love someone else and sacrifice for their well-being.
In Ephesians, chapter 2, it says, “As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath” (Ephesians 2:1-3).
“Gratifying the cravings of our flesh.” “Following its desires.” This is the way of the world. The root of sin, according to this passage, is selfishness. The devil uses our wants and desires to lure us away from a relationship with God and a life of freedom. We are slaves to our desires. Because of this, we were “dead in [our] transgressions and sins.”
That’s not to say that wanting things or doing something for yourself is bad. Video games are not bad. Playing dungeons and dragons with my friends is not bad. Going out with friends is not bad. These things only become bad when I am not willing to let go for the sake of obeying God and loving other people.
Some of you reading may say, “Well, what about having a baby when you could adopt. Isn’t that selfish?” To that, I say no. At least for me, that is not something I feel called to do right now. That is something we may consider in the future, but we still would like at least one child of our own.
After my diagnosis, I had an MRI scan done. The scan showed that the cancer was growing in my myometrium, or uterine wall. It was about 28% of the way through. If it made it 100% of the way through, things could get really ugly. The initial recommendation was to do a hysterectomy.
Because cancer is unpredictable and invasive, Nick and I had to make a decision quickly. Were we going to have a hysterectomy and give up our dream of having our own biological kids? Or were we going to try to fight the cancer in hopes of having our own baby? We talked with friends and other believers who gave us wise counsel. So many people told me, “It could go either way.” They also said frequently, “Your desire to have a child is good.” Wanting to have your own children is not selfish. It is natural.
Loving another human is part of being a mother. Sacrifice is also a part of being a mother. I’ll need to sacrifice my time and energy. By growing a human, I’d literally sacrifice my body. The Bible says children are a blessing. Jesus famously said in Mark 19, verse 14, “Let the little children come to me.” Psalm 127, verse 3 also says “Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” By not having a baby, will I deny myself the blessings that come with having children? What about the world? What if I bring a child into the world who will grow up to bless others?
I hope that if God allows me to have a baby, it’s because He knows it’s something I need, and not just something I want. My desire is to have a baby out of glorifying God, and not out of selfish ambition. Adding a baby will help sanctify me, or teach me to be more like Christ. By loving a child, maybe I can learn to love others better too. Rather than staying in my comfort zone with my toys, I can go out with boldness and love the people around me.
Right now, I am still fighting cancer. I am still sitting here waiting. Maybe now while I wait, God is teaching me to love others anyways, with or without a baby! The devil doesn’t want this. He thrives on disunity and selfishness. In Ephesians 4, verse 27, we are told not to give the devil a foothold. The context of that verse is talking about anger, but I think it can be applied to selfishness. If I let my wants and comfort rule my life, then the devil wins.
I hope that my writings bring hope and encouragement to others. I pray for opportunities to love others and sacrifice my desires to bless others. Whether or not I have a baby, I need to let God transform me from the inside out. Romans 12, verse 2 says, “Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” 2 Corinthians says I am a new creation. Ephesians 2 says that I am brought from death to life.
I still hate change. I like to be comfortable. I am, afterall, a creature of comfort. My selfishness is an area of my life where I need to repent. Having a baby is going to change everything! But I believe having a baby will stretch and grow me in ways that maybe I can’t even think of yet.
Though change is uncomfortable, we are still so excited to finally start our family! We’d love your continued support in this fight and on this journey. In most states, insurance companies are not required to cover fertility treatment. Our next part of our journey will have to be paid for out of pocket! A round of IVF for example can cost $15,000 to $20,000! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and fertility treatments. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.
