Poe, the substitute baby!

Nick and I both love animals. As long as I’ve known Nick, he has always wanted a dog. He begged me for a dog for years. I’ve always liked dogs. And I like cats. My family had both when I was growing up, along with birds, and a short period with hermit crabs. 

During my time at graduate school, Nick convinced me to get a guinea pig. For what should have been a 2 year program, I ended up needing to take a third year. Most of my close friends had graduated and left. I did not have a great roommate situation. My fiancé (Nick) lived an hour and a half away. I was lonely and needed companionship. After we got Hero, we learned that guinea pigs are herding animals and need a friend…. So then we got Beatrice. 

Nick and I got married in June of 2018 after I graduated. We moved to Michigan near my family with both of our guinea pigs. Our first home together was a townhome that only allowed one cat. I had been really wanting a cat for a while. In October, Nick brought home Mya as an early birthday present for me. She is the sweetest, and most cuddly cat I have ever met. She has a tortoiseshell coloring and a big personality to match it. She was also super gentle with the guinea pigs. Shortly after we got Mya, we brought home a third guinea pig- Jyn. We were a family that consisted of me, Nick, our three guinea pigs, and our cat. 

In January of 2023, Hero passed away at the age of 6. Beatrice passed the same year in November. We still had Mya and Jyn. Nick still really, really wanted a dog. I had gotten a raise at work and finances were a little more stable for us. After so many years of asking, I finally told Nick, yes, we can get a dog! 

I had my first really heavy period in April of 2023. It was so heavy and violent that we thought maybe we had miscarriage. I contemplated going to the emergency room due to the amount of blood. My periods continued to be excessively heavy and debilitating like this for the next two years.  

On January 12th, 2024, Nick and I went to go look for his dog. “This is going to be your dog,” I told him. “I got to pick out Mya. I’m going to have nothing to do with this other than being there for moral support.” We were specific in what we were looking for. We wanted to adopt an adult, female dog. We also needed a calm temperament that would pair well with a cat and a guinea pig.

We went to a couple of shelters in town looking for the perfect fit for our family. The second place we went to was the humane society. The shelter is a very loud place. All of the dogs were excited and barked loudly when we walked in. We could hardly hear ourselves think! 

We told the girl helping us what we were looking for. She showed us a few options that might work well. Then she told us, “I know you’re looking for an older dog, but we do have a couple of female puppies if you want to see them.” 

She took us into the side room where it was a little quieter, then she left us. When she returned, she had two puppies in her arms. They both were black, brown, and white with speckles. One had more black than the other and had cute brown eyebrows. She told us they were female beagle mixes named Pancake and Waffle. They had another sibling that had already been adopted. They were beagle mixes, but she wasn’t sure what they were mixed with. 

She left the room again to let us have some time with the puppies. They were excited and ran around like maniacs! Then, they both ran to the corner together, looked at each other, looked at Nick and I, and began to pee on the floor. 

“Uh….” Nick stammered, “I don’t think those are females.” Nope. Both puppies, peeing in sync together, were males. But they were cute, and Nick and I both fell in love. If we had the space, we might have taken both puppies. Unfortunately, we were only able to take one. The mostly black puppy seemed more calm. I remember him trying to climb up on my lap. 

The girl came back to check on us. “We’ll take this one, Nick told her.” (We also pointed out to her that they were both males, not females.) His name was Pancake. We felt bad leaving Waffle behind, but we thought Pancake’s “calmer” demeanor would mesh better with our lives and other pets.

We went in expecting to need to fill out some sort of application and wait for approval. We assumed the shelter would need to contact our landlord to get confirmation that we could have the dog. We would spend the waiting period preparing to bring him home. That is not what happened. 

We filled out the application, paid the fee, and the girl placed a puppy in our arms. “You’re going home!” she told Pancake. “You get to wear a collar!” We had nothing ready for him! The shelter sent us home with a puppy, a few toys, and a bag of his old food. We went in wanting an older female dog. We left with a 2 ½ month old male puppy. 

On the car ride home, Nick drove. I had to hold the puppy. The poor thing was so scared, he climbed up my chest and wrapped his puppy arms around my neck and held on tight! When we got back to the apartment, he made himself right at home. He was so comfortable that he pooped on the floor in the bathroom… 

We had never potty trained a puppy before, but we knew we had to do it quickly unless we wanted to clean up messes forever! Nick and I took Pancake to Petco, put him in the cart (puppies can’t walk on the floor of the pet store until they have all of their vaccines), and bought as many supplies as we could. We then went home and set up the baby gates. 

Part of potty training a puppy included sectioning off a chunk of our apartment with baby gates. As he got better at potty training, we slowly moved the gates and gave him access to more of the apartment. 

I left Nick on the couch with the puppy in the little make-shift pen we made. I went to the bedroom to be with Mya and help her feel like she hasn’t been forgotten. “I’ll let you two bond,” I told Nick. Shortly after I left, the puppy started to bark. “Jess!” Nick called me back. “He wants you to be here,” he said. 

It soon became apparent that this dog we bought for Nick was my dog. He had latched onto me. Maybe it was me saving him from the “scary car.” Maybe when he tried to jump on my lap at the shelter, he was telling me that he picked me. Whatever it was, this dog could not let me out of his sight. 

When I came home in between clients, I couldn’t put my guitar and bags of instruments down fast enough before the puppy lost his mind! When Nick was working, I was sitting in the little pen on the couch with him. I would often sit in there with my laptop to do my paperwork.

Nick took his sweet time choosing a new name for our pup. Pancake was cute, but we didn’t want our dog to be named after food. We finally decided on the name Poe. Everyone thinks we named him after Edgar Allan Poe. No, we are way nerdier than that! We named him after Poe Dameron from Star Wars VII, VIII, and IX! 

Poe was calm at the shelter, but quickly showed his wild side after he settled in at home. We used to joke that at certain times in the day, his “demon” would come out. He was very rambunctious unless he was napping. 

We heard that having a puppy is good practice for having children. We were curious if this was true. Nick has a friend with many, many children. At one point, his family had a puppy of their own as well. Nick asked him, “So, which is harder, children, or a puppy?” His friend admitted, “The puppy!”     

During this time, I was still having my heavy periods and did not know I had cancer. This dog was intended to be for Nick, but of course, he latched on to me. This was my dog. Poor Poe had to witness the human he cared about more than anything else in the world be in so much pain. He saw all of the bleeding. He saw all of the crying and how weak I was. 

At some point, Poe started having difficult behaviors. He would lunge at other people and lose his mind when he saw another dog. He did not listen at all when we were outside! Even with puppy training and numerous private lessons, we continue to struggle with his behavior. Every time we go outside, he is always on alert. There have also been a few instances where he has bitten people in our home. We have no clue where the biting behavior came from. 

I am so embarrassed to admit, but I remember getting so frustrated with him. We’d go outside to go potty or go for a walk, and he’d go crazy and act aggressively. He would refuse to listen and obey commands. Based on his behavior, you couldn’t tell that we had spent hundreds of dollar on puppy training for this dog. There were times I had to physically tackle my dog to the ground to get him to obey when I told him to “lay down.” I’m sure the neighbors all think we abuse our dog!

We’d come inside, and I’d be so angry and scream at him. I’d scream and yell, and sometimes cry from frustration. Sometimes I’d throw things or slam doors and cabinets. The poor pup would shake in fear. 

Then I’d cry out of guilt. Nick’s friend said their puppy was harder than kids. A lot of people say having a dog is practice for having children. Now that we have raised a puppy, it is startling how similar puppies are to human babies. Poe was just a baby, and I was being so awful to him. 

I hated getting so angry and yelling at him. I tried so hard to keep my cool and be patient, but it was very difficult. Is this the kind of parent I’m going to be? Part of me became worried about having kids. I would think, maybe I shouldn’t have kids. Maybe not having kids is a blessing in disguise. I can’t keep my cool with a dog. What’s going to happen when my child misbehaves? 

Now that he is slowly leaving the puppy phase, things have gotten a little better. I still get angry at him, but I have learned to let my anger go quickly. I am more calm in dealing with him. It is difficult, but dealing with his behaviors is just part of our day-to-day life. If having a dog is practice for children, I feel like I am more prepared for whatever difficult behaviors I am going to face. 

In January of 2025, Nick and I finally had health insurance after not having it for a few years. We had been trying to have a baby at the time for about 5 ½ years. We started to see a different OBGYN to try to get to the bottom of my heavy periods and infertility. On May 2nd, 2025, my OB called me on her personal cellphone to tell me I have endometrial cancer. That same week, Jyn, our last guinea pig passed away. It was a very difficult week. There was a lot of sadness and fear about the future. 

After I got the cancer diagnosis, Poe could sense the tension both Nick and I felt, and he stopped eating his breakfast. It became a daily battle of begging my dog to eat. Now that we know I have cancer, we are sure Poe’s bad behavior is owner guarding because he knows I am sick. We speculate my cancer has been contributing to his behavior. He knew I had cancer the whole time, long before we did. He knows I am vulnerable and has been trying to keep me safe. However, his owner guarding is not very helpful. If anything, it has made life more stressful. 

We love Poe so much, but his behavior has been a lot to deal with. It’s embarrassing and exhausting. The owner guarding has continued to be out of control, and now he also has anxiety that we have to deal with! Poe’s eating overall is better, but he still has days where he struggles to eat. He will sometimes sit at my feet and shake with anxiety. He freaks out when left alone in the kennel. Having a dog with anxiety is a lot of work. In addition to worrying about my own health and anxiety, I also have to worry about Poe’s. We have a strong bond, so it is hard to watch my dog suffer with me. 

I came across a YouTube video recently by Midnight Oracle titled “The psychology of people who treat their pets like children.”  I am not sure how scientifically sound the video is, but it is still very interesting and insightful. It is also relatable since Poe is, in many ways, like my child. 

According to the video, the brain does not distinguish between human children and fur children. The same chemical – oxytocin – is released in our brains when we look at our child or our pets. Oxytocin is the chemical that is released to help bond mother and baby. The pet is also like a child that never grows up. When we have human children, we raise them to be independent and eventually leave us. Animals seem to be in a toddler state forever, always dependent on us. 

For those of us who are high capacity nurturers, taking care of a pet is an outlet that allows us to love and care for another being. For people like me who are facing infertility, we have love and a desire to nurture, aching to be released. It’s hard to have so much love to give and not be able to give it. That is where pets come in to help release that tension. Family used to be about survival, about continuing the human race. Now, it is about connection. Biology doesn’t define family. Love does. 

In many ways, Poe is like my baby. I remember when he was still a tiny puppy, and his “demon” would come out. I would scoop him up and hold him, like a human baby and lay down with him on the couch. This almost always helped him self-soothe, and soon, he would be asleep. When we would cuddle like this, I remember feeling a rush of happy sensations flowing through my body- probably the oxytocin the video talked about. To this day, he constantly wants to cuddle and wants my attention. He sleeps with me at night. He depends on me to feed him. He looks to me to comfort him when he is scared. 

He may or may not have a hoodie collection and loves to wear clothes! He even has a raincoat for when it rains! When I dropped him off for his first day of puppy academy, I cried. I thought to myself, “Is this what parents feel like when they drop their child off for their first day of school?” 

I still sometimes feel like a terrible dog mom. He’s now 2 and ½ years old and still has behavior issues. We have to put him away in the kennel when people come into our home to prevent more biting incidents. Where did I go wrong? Is this my fault? Should I have done something different when he was a baby? 

Now that I have cancer, having my own biological child is going to be a much more difficult journey. Sometimes I wonder, what if I can’t have a baby? What if things don’t work out like we want them to? Would I be content just having Poe? Is he enough? 

I still want a baby of my own so desperately. However, as was covered in the video, Poe partially fills a void that has been empty for so long. We still have Mya, and I still love Mya. She is also my baby. However, when we got Mya, she was 1 ½ years old. I did not get to experience her from the kitten stage. By the time we got Mya, she already had had kittens of her own! Poe, we got to start from the beginning. We got to raise him.

People like to joke and make memes about the crazy cat lady, or about the adult who sends her mom photos of her “granddog” or “grandcat.” But maybe we shouldn’t joke about it. For many people, animals really are like children. Pets are a part of the family. They are children who fill a void, heal our hearts, and love us unconditionally. 

Poe definitely comes with his challenges, but I wouldn’t trade him for the world! If I can’t have a baby, will I be satisfied with just him? I don’t think I could be satisfied fully. He can never replace a human child. But he does hold a special place in my heart. He will always be my baby. At the moment, he is my substitute baby.

We are still hopeful to give Poe (and Mya) a little brother or sister! In most states, insurance  companies are not required to cover fertility treatment. Our next part of our journey will have to be paid for out of pocket! A round of IVF for example can cost $15,000 to $20,000! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and fertility treatments. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.