Just Stop Talking

When I was a teenager, I remember sitting in my doctor’s office. I had just completed an ultrasound and tests. The test results along with my abnormal menstrual cycles were clear. The doctor told me I have PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome. He told me bluntly, a young teenager with hopes and dreams for her future, that I would not be able to have children. 

I have always wanted to be a mom. This news was devastating to me. This was in the early 2000’s. I was not given much education on my condition. I also think at the time we knew less about the condition than we know now, given that PCOS has a new name- PMOS (Polyendocrine metabolic ovarian syndrome). The doctor prescribed birth control and metformin to regulate my periods and sent me on my way. 

In 2018, I married Nick, the love of my life. We waited until the end of my music therapy internship to start trying to have a family in 2019. I heard of people with my condition still getting pregnant, so I knew it was possible. We had to try! We tried for a very long time. The wait was very frustrating. Each time I felt an odd cramp, or I thought maybe my breasts looked slightly bigger, or something just seemed off, I took a pregnancy test. Each time, it was a false alarm. Each time it was negative. Each time I cried. 

We tried so many things. We tried different positions. We tried different diets. We tried having sex every day or every other day. We waited until my period was done then tried immediately after. I watched YouTube videos and researched ways to get pregnant quick. I tried getting into different workout routines. Nothing seemed to work. 

Meanwhile, the world seemed to move on without us. Facebook got harder and harder to look at. All of my friends, it seemed, were getting pregnant and having babies. They flaunted their announcements, birth photos, and baby milestones all over the internet. I started avoiding Facebook for a while because scrolling always ended in tears. 

Life continued to march on. I finished my internship and passed my board certification exam. I then got a job out of state as a music therapist. We packed up and moved to a house. Then we moved to an apartment. We started to make friends and got plugged into a church. 

Most of our friends and church community had children. One summer our pastor joked that there must have been at least 50 babies born in the church that year! Our church seemed very fertile. I wished some of that fertility would rub off on me! The friends we had without children were significantly younger than us. Our friends without kids were 5 to 10 years younger than us. It was only a matter of time before they’d start having kids too, then we’d need to find new friends without kids all over again. 

I love my friends with kids so much! I love spending time with them. I love getting to know their children and being a part of their lives. But it is sometimes still lonely. They mainly talk about their kids. It makes sense. That is the stage of life they are in right now. But only talking about their kids sometimes makes it hard for me to relate. I am not in the same stage. I don’t have the same experiences. Infertility is very lonely. 

I love having friends and being social, but I get really uncomfortable when I meet new people. I hold my breath and wait for the dreaded question- “So, do you have any kids?” Then of course there are the comments. Comments and advice loved ones give are often well meaning, but people often don’t realize the damage they are doing. Sometimes advice is not helpful. 

I did listen to some advice, hoping maybe I’d find the answer to my problem. “Just relax” was some advice we got. I tried to manage my stress which only caused me more stress! We talked about adoption. I heard stories about people who gave up trying to have their own baby. When they started the adoption process, they got pregnant! We continued to try and stay hopeful. However, we waited so long that the results were catastrophic.   

In April of 2023, I had the heaviest menstrual period I had ever seen in my life. We truly thought maybe we were having a miscarriage, but I have no positive pregnancy test to prove it. I was on the fence about having my husband take me to the emergency room. In hindsight, I should have gone. Having PCOS, I have had lots of heavy periods. I have had big blood clots. I had never seen anything like this before. 

I would get up and go to the bathroom. I then sat on the toilet for maybe 10 minutes or so at a time, as clot after clot would flow out of my body. My poor husband was sent to the store to get me adult diapers and baby wipes. It was embarrassing for both of us. I was also very sick and could barely stand or take care of myself. I was so miserable for a whole week until my period was done. 

After my period ended, I went back to my OB-GYN. He told me, “It’s normal. You just had a heavy period.” He then sent me away with a prescription for Letrizole and told me to start taking my metformin again. But then I continued to have monstrous periods. They came every 4 to 6 months, each one as devastating as the first. I knew something was really wrong. This was not “normal.” 

In May of 2025, I learned that I have endometrial cancer. Endometrial cancer is very common in people with PCOS, like me! Risk factors for endometrial cancer include hormonal imbalances, obesity, and never being pregnant. All of these risk factors are directly related to PCOS. Waiting for 5 and ½ years to get pregnant was too long to wait. Now we have bigger problems. 

The ultimate treatment for endometrial cancer is a hysterectomy, or removal of my uterus. Even if we successfully get rid of the cancer, there is a 50% chance for the cancer to come back. But removing the uterus would make it physically impossible for me to have and carry my own biological child. The oncologist said she would leave my ovaries in when she took out my uterus. That would leave surrogacy as an option. However, I don’t have $200,000 to spend on a surrogate, so I would still be left childless. 

For the last year and a half, we have been fighting the cancer. The hope is that once the cancer is gone, we can pursue fertility treatment to have a baby before having a hysterectomy. Having this type of cancer is such a scary and stressful place to be in. I am not here to say that bad advice caused my cancer, but listening to some advice and waiting too long may ultimately cost me my fertility all together. 

In my fertility and self-help research, I found Dr. Lora Shahine. Dr. Shahine is a double board-certified reproductive endocrinologist and OB-GYN. She has a YouTube channel. She is also a podcast host, author, and public speaker. Her goal is to educate people about reproductive health and wellness. 

She put out a YouTube video about a year ago that really resonated with me. She addressed 5 myths and bad advice about infertility that are inaccurate or could be harmful. I have heard most of these myths and had them said to me throughout my fertility journey. You can watch the video on your own to hear what she has to say. I am going to share a summary of what Dr. Shahine says about these myths and bad advice along with my own personal experience. 

1. Just relax and you’ll get pregnant. 

“Just relax.” “Don’t be so stressed.” It is true that chronic stress can affect fertility. However, relaxing or reducing stress does not correct physiological issues. It does not correct hormonal imbalances. It does not fix blocked fallopian tubes. Trying to relax or not be so stressed can sometimes cause even more stress. Dr. Shahine also says that telling someone to relax puts blame and shame on the individual. Infertility is outside of our control.  

Along the lines of relaxing, another comment often heard is “just adopt.” There have been stories of people who decide to adopt, start the adoption process, then get pregnant on their own. The idea is that focusing on adoption takes the pressure to get pregnant off of you. You then, therefore, relax enough to get pregnant. 

My own mother told me this scenario. She told me of a couple she knew who this happened to. A family member on Nick’s side of the family also reached out to me once. I made a post on Facebook for Infertility Awareness Week. In response to that post, she felt inclined to reach out and encourage me. She was well meaning. “It will happen. Just relax.”

I tried so hard to relax, but life gets busy. Finances are stressful. Now I have cancer. It is really hard to relax when going through a difficult season and health crisis. While this advice is given with good intentions , it is not helpful. 

2. You have to wait a year before seeing a fertility specialist. 

I have heard this one before. It is common advice to hear among the TTC (trying to conceive) community. But Dr. Shahine points out that there are many factors that affect infertility. About 85% of people get pregnant within the first year. This is where that advice comes from. 

However, 15% of people have factors that make getting pregnant difficult. Age is a factor. The older we get, the more our egg and sperm quality decreases. People with PCOS, endometriosis, or fibroids already have decreased chances of getting pregnant. People with these types of conditions should wait no less than 6 months to see a doctor. 

Dr. Shahaine also recommends seeing a doctor before trying to get pregnant. There is nothing wrong with getting initial testing done to make sure that all of the parts are working properly. Even if you don’t see a fertility specialist right away, Dr. Shahine says it’s a good idea to see at least your primary doctor or OB-GYN to get a head start. 

Nick and I tried for about a year before asking for help. I wish we asked for help sooner. I wish I knew that my condition meant I would need extra help. I knew that my condition would make things harder, but I didn’t know that there were ways for my medical team to help make the conditions right to get pregnant. Now I am in a position where I may lose my fertility forever. 

3. Just use an app. 

While not true for all apps, a lot of period tracking apps assume that everyone’s cycle happens every 28 days. However, not everyone’s cycles are the same. Some have 28 day cycles. Some have 30 day cycles. Others have 56 day cycles. All of our bodies are different. Our cycles do not align nicely with our calendars. 

Dr. Shahine also points out that since our cycles are different, ovulation also happens at different times for everyone. Even within regular cycles, ovulation can happen early or late. Most apps assume that on a 28 day cycle, you will ovulate on day 14. This means that by listening to an app, we sometimes miss our fertile window. 

When I started seeing a doctor about my infertility, I started out seeing a midwife. She was very sweet and bubbly. She recommended an app to me. It tracked when my cycle started, how heavy my bleeding was each day, and my discharge on each day. She assured me that tracking my cycles would help me know when I ovulated so I could get pregnant. 

“You’ll be pregnant in no time!” she assured me with a smile and a bubbly tone. I went home and downloaded the app right away. I was diligent and tracked every day. But every day was the same. No bleeding. Dry discharge. Was I missing something? The app couldn’t tell me if I was ovulating or not. I later learned that my body does not ovulate. I was in fact not pregnant “in no time.” 

4. You’re still young. You have plenty of time. 

I have not heard this advice specifically, but I have heard over and over again, “It will happen.” Age is a factor in fertility. Our bodies eventually slow down. Our egg quality decreases. As we get older, it is harder for us to get pregnant. However, being young doesn’t mean you can’t have fertility issues. 

Similar to the response to the “just relax” advice, age does not mean someone doesn’t have a physical issue. Someone could have blocked fallopian tubes. There could be other physical issues. PCOS and endometriosis do not discriminate against young people. I was a teenager when I was diagnosed with PCOS. 

Telling someone they have plenty of time discourages them from getting the help they need. Nick and I were told “It will happen. Just wait.” Waiting was not helpful to us. In our situation, it only caused physical damage. Time has also been wasted. I could have had a baby by now. I could have been a mom. I could have a toddler or kindergartner by now. So much time has passed. Now I don’t have plenty of time. I have cancer and the clock is ticking.

If you’re young and struggling to get pregnant, don’t wait. Please go see a doctor. Time does not slow down. Don’t let it slip by. 

5. If you can get pregnant, you can’t have a fertility issue. 

This is another piece of advice I have not personally heard, seeing as I have never been pregnant (that I know of). However, I know people who have lost multiple babies. It is such a painful thing to go through. I don’t wish multiple miscarriages on anyone, let alone one! 

Just because you get pregnant does not mean there is not a fertility issue. Recurrent miscarriage is an issue that many women face. There is a reason the baby is not growing to full term, whether there are chromosomal issues with the baby, poor egg quality, or physical factors with the mother. Medical intervention and testing is needed to learn why these pregnancies are ending in miscarriage. 

Secondary infertility is also something that many women face. Just because you have one baby does not exempt you from having fertility issues. There are women who have one baby but then struggle to get pregnant with future babies. Having the ability to get pregnant is not an indicator of fertility. 

Besides these comments and bad advice Dr. Shahine shares, I have received other comments among the Christian community and from loved ones. Again, these comments are well meaning, but they are not helpful. Especially right now while I am going through cancer. These comments are not helpful when my fertility is on the line. 

1. God has something better for you. 

When I was growing up in the church, there was talk about “finding God’s will for your life.” I was taught the idea that God has a specific purpose for my life. I was supposed to do something for the Kingdom. I was meant to do something great. However, most of us don’t become that super-Christian I was taught I was supposed to be. 

Many of us have normal jobs and live normal lives. We don’t all grow up to become pastors and missionaries. As I have grown in my faith, studied God’s word, and read other books on the topic, I have come to learn that Western culture has it all wrong. We are so ego-centric. We think that everything is about “me.” But the fact of the matter is, the Bible is not about “me.” It is about Jesus. 

God has a desire to be our God. He wants “US” to be His people. He doesn’t want “me” to be his person. God desires unity among His people. He desires us as a collective, not as an individual. Throughout the new testament, Paul urges believers to be unified in Christ. 

For example, Philippians 2:2 says, “Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.” Romans 15:5 says, “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had.” 1 Corinthians 1:10 says, “I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought.” These are just a few examples. 

I am not anyone special. I am not a heroine sent by God. I am part of a collective. God’s will for my life is to obey his word. He wants me to be part of the collective. He doesn’t necessarily have a “great plan” for my life. I do believe He has a plan, but I also have free will. As long as I am following Jesus with my whole heart, it doesn’t matter if I pursue IVF, adoption, or not have children altogether. 

When I learned that I had cancer, I was faced with the difficult choice of having a hysterectomy right away or trying to treat the cancer and try to have a baby first. It was such a hard choice that I had to make in a short period of time. I prayed and prayed. I talked to wise counsel and people on the prayer team at our church. I was so focused and worried about making the wrong choice. 

I ultimately wanted to honor the Lord with my decision. Instead of being told what to do, wise counsel said “It could go either way.” Either choice was right. Either decision could be part of God’s plan. God was giving me the choice at that moment. God would handle the rest. The important thing is that I follow Him and His commands. 

For those who have made this comment, you are not God. You don’t know what He has planned. I didn’t ask to have cancer. Maybe cancer was the “better” thing for me. The important thing is that I honor the Lord by trusting and being obedient. 

2. There are so many kids in the world who need a mom and dad. 

There have been people in my life, especially since having cancer, who have encouraged me over and over and over again. “Just adopt.” “There are so many kids who need a mom and dad.” This is true. There are so many kids who need a mom and dad. There is nothing stopping Nick and I from adopting in the future. We may choose to do so later down the road. 

Adoption is not as easy as it sounds. It is expensive and difficult. There is the risk of putting in thousands of dollars into applications and other expenses only to have the birth mother change her mind at the end. There is the risk of your application being denied over and over again. Even in fostering to adopt situations, the goal is reunification with the birth parents. There is the risk of being so close to adopting only to have to give the baby back. 

To those of you telling me to adopt, why don’t you do it? If there are so many kids without moms and dad, why aren’t you scooping them up? It’s because it is not easy. People do not realize how difficult adoption truly is. 

This advice, while again, well meaning, is also incredibly frustrating. There are so many people who get pregnant just by looking at each other. Meanwhile, I am here fighting just to keep my uterus. It is frustrating that I need to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars to build my families while so many people get to do that for free. Because my body does not function as it should as a woman, I am punished by having to jump through hoops. How is that fair? 

There is nothing wrong with adoption. There is also nothing wrong with wanting to have your own biological children. The Bible says children are a blessing. Jesus famously said in Mark 19, verse 14, “Let the little children come to me.” Psalm 127, verse 3 also says “Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Having my own baby is a blessing that I would be so sad to miss out on.  

3. You’re lucky you don’t have to go through this discomfort. 

This last comment is another one that I have not heard personally, but one that I have heard others share with me. Pregnancy is uncomfortable, from what I hear. There is morning sickness. There is the baby pushing on your ribs and organs. There is the breast swelling and the heartburn. 

“You’re lucky…” Why is not being able to have a baby lucky? Infertility is unnatural. It is a medical condition that requires treatment. Infertile women have bodies that do not function as God designed them to. Our hearts and our wombs are both empty. Our souls are aching. That does not sound lucky to me. 

For those of us dealing with infertility, we would give anything to deal with the discomfort. Bring on the morning sickness! Bring on the heartburn! We’d give anything to feel the sensation of our little one growing inside of us. We’re missing out on bonding with our child from the womb. How heartbreaking! 

So, now that we have a list of what not to say, what should someone say to a person with infertility? For me, just be supportive. Be curious. It’s okay to ask questions. I’d rather someone try to understand me, my pain, and my heart, than to treat me with pity or treat me differently. Words of encouragement and prayer are helpful. Connection is also important. Infertility is so lonely. Take time to get to know me and my passions. 

I don’t like to be pitied. Having infertility is a difficult and sad thing, but I don’t want to be babied. However, empathy goes a long way. I am hurting. Infertility hurts. Being a shoulder to cry on will help me to not feel so alone. If you have read my blog for a while, you know that I am a fan of Dr. John Delony. He often says, “grief demands a witness.” I need to be seen. I need someone to witness my grief and acknowledge my hurt. 

Sometimes people try to offer advice or support to be helpful. However, sometimes those pieces of advice or comments can be hurtful. Unless you are a doctor, I would suggest avoiding offering fertility advice. If anything, advise your loved ones to talk to their doctor! 

I don’t write this blog post to shame those who make these comments. I know my family and friends love me. They want what’s best for me. They want to see me healthy and cancer free. They want to see me thrive and have a family of my own. I love and appreciate them for that. I hope to educate on how it feels from the perspective of someone with infertility. 

Once my cancer is gone, I will be seeing a fertility specialist to continue my fertility journey. We’d love your continued support in this fight and on this journey. In most states, insurance companies are not required to cover fertility treatment. Our next part of our journey will have to be paid for out of pocket! A round of IVF for example can cost $15,000 to $20,000! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and fertility treatments. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.

Dr. Lora Shahine, “The 5 Worst Pieces of Advice About Fertility,” YouTube video, 13:28, October 31,2025, https://youtu.be/LbKcrFGAKtQ?si=6yN93-JG-puMlR6I.