Dear Cancer, how dare you?
If anyone knows me well, they know that I love watching John Delony on YouTube! If you know me well and you didn’t know that, well, now you know. I am a huge John Delony fan! Dr. John Delony, part of the Dave Ramsey team, is a mental health expert who gives advice and counsel to people who call in to his show. He is also a best selling author.
One piece of advice that he gives to people who are experiencing grief is to write three letters, usually to a person. The first letter is “dear so and so, I love you.” This is a letter to express appreciation and to reflect on positive memories. The second letter is “dear so and so, how dare you.” This is a letter to express what you are upset about or how the other person hurt you. The third letter is “hey, this is what you’re going to miss out on” to grieve and process what life will be like without that person.
People expect those with cancer to put on a brave face and be a “warrior.” We are supposed to have a positive attitude and fight off the cancer with a smile. However, having cancer comes with lots and lots of grief. I have shed a tear or two throughout this whole journey. When I first got the news that I had cancer, my mother warned Nick that I would cry randomly… a lot. She knew this from experience since she is a breast cancer survivor.
Though cancer is not a person, it is still something that needs to be grieved and reflected on. This is my second of the three letters- “Dear Cancer, how dare you?” Cancer is obviously so destructive and life threatening. It is no surprise that I have a bone to pick with cancer. Here are my thoughts on how cancer hurt me.
Dear Cancer,
How dare you? You came into my life out of nowhere and made such a mess! I hate you, and these are all the reasons you make my life miserable and how you hurt me!
When I was in college, my old roommate came to visit. She had gotten her helix pierced. It looked so cool, and I decided I really wanted one. I frequently imagined what I’d look like with a helix piercing. But for at least 10 years, I never had it done. Finally, for my 31st birthday, Nick told me, “We’re going to do it. You’ve wanted this for over a decade. I’m taking you to get your ear pierced for your birthday.”
I was super nervous. I am terrified of needles. But I was brave and took deep breaths. I held Nick’s hand. I heard the crunch as the needle went through my cartilage. It was finally done. I had a helix piercing, and it was so cute! “You should have gotten this done a long time ago. It looks so good!” Nick said.
I followed my aftercare instructions and cleaned the wound multiple times a day. After almost a year, the piercing still had not healed. I would frequently get blood blisters and would need to clean it again. There would be times when I would think it was healed, then come to find my ear feeling sore again or forming another blood blister. I know sometimes these types of piercings can take a long time to heal, but this seemed excessive.
Cancer, thanks to you, it has been over two years and my ear is still not healed! My body has been too busy fighting cancer cells and trying to keep me alive that my ear has been put on the back burner.
During my time in graduate school, I started to struggle with severe anxiety and panic attacks around eating. I developed a choking anxiety and had a hard time eating anything that was not mush or liquid. I would get nervous and panicky around others eating, especially when they were eating chewy or crunchy things. I ate much more slowly out of caution. On mine and Nick’s first date, it took me about 20 minutes to eat one Red Lobster Cheddar Bay biscuit! I stopped taking my metformin (a medication typically prescribed for diabetes but also used to regulate PCOS symptoms) due to the size of the pills and my fear of choking on them.
After seeing a new OB, I was prescribed metformin again. My PCOS symptoms were out of control. Metformin was going to help regulate my insulin resistance and my hormones that had been long neglected since graduate school.
After getting a cancer diagnosis, I was also prescribed a medication called megestrol. Both the metformin and megestrol were large pills and potential triggers for my anxiety. The megestrol has hard, cornered edges that frequently get stuck in my throat. However, I don’t want the cancer to get worse, so I know I have to take it. Every morning and every evening, my heart pounds as I prepare and place each individual pill on my tongue, one at a time. You caused so much anxiety and still do twice a day as I struggle to take large pills.
You caused so much pain and confusion. In April 2023, I had a period that was so bad I wondered if I should go to the emergency room. Every couple of hours I needed to change my sanitary pad. I eventually had my husband go to the store to get adult diapers and baby wipes. I had never seen anything like it. Google led me to believe that I had an early miscarriage.
My doctor did a pregnancy test via blood sample and told me I was not pregnant, but I had my doubts. I went back and forth in my mind. Did I have an early miscarriage and the doctor did the pregnancy test too late? Was it not a miscarriage and just part of my PCOS? For the last 3 years, I have been stuck between grief and frustration. After getting my cancer diagnosis, my mind has been flooded with even more questions. What if what we thought was a miscarriage was the start of my cancer symptoms? What if we did have a miscarriage and the cells left over caused the cancer? What if I had cancer and that caused a miscarriage?
Grieving a possible miscarriage has been hard enough. Trying to understand a possible miscarriage in the context of a cancer diagnosis has been confusing and frustrating.
You added to my fertility struggles. Having PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome already makes getting pregnant difficult. Thanks to you, my fertility journey was prolonged. After 5 and ½ years of trying to have a baby, we got the worst news of our lives. My oncologist told us that with cancer in my uterus, an embryo does not have a viable environment in which to implant. Even if I did get pregnant, the pregnancy would end in a miscarriage. At the time I am writing this letter, it has now been 6 and ½ years of waiting to have a baby. I am so tired of fighting and tired of waiting!
You ruined my dreams of having a baby naturally. I tried so hard to have a baby on my own. I changed my diet multiple times. I was a pescetarian for 7 years. I tried to go vegan, or at least cut out sugar and dairy. Then I added red meat, sugar, and dairy back in. I did all the google searches looking for tips on how to get pregnant faster. We tried waiting until after my period to have sex, or wait until my period then have sex every other day to catch my fertile window. Nothing worked.
Nick and I kept dreaming of having a baby. I wanted my baby to be conceived in love, not in a test tube. Thanks to you, cancer, I don’t really have that choice anymore. It has been so long that we are at the point of needing help having a baby. Because of the fear of you coming back, we have to have our baby as quickly as possible. Nick and I always wanted two kids since we have been together. Due to the circumstances, we are only planning on having one biological child. Out of fear of you coming back, we have agreed not to play with fire too long.
I had my first really heavy period in April of 2023. In January of 2024, we brought home a new family member- our dog Poe. Poe was 2 and ½ months old when we got him. During this time, I was still having my heavy periods and did not know I had cancer. This dog was intended to be for Nick, but of course, he latched on to me. This was my dog. Poor Poe had to witness the human he cared about more than anything else in the world be in so much pain. He saw all of the bleeding. He saw all of the crying and how weak I was.
At some point, Poe started having difficult behaviors. He would lunge at other people and lose his mind when he saw another dog. Every time we go outside, he is always on alert. We are sure he is owner guarding because he knows I am sick. However, his owner guarding is not very helpful. If anything, it has made life more stressful. We love Poe so much, but his behavior has been a lot to deal with. It’s embarrassing and exhausting.
After I found out I had cancer, Poe could sense the tension both Nick and I felt, and he stopped eating his breakfast. It became a daily battle of begging my dog to eat. The owner guarding has continued to be out of control, and now he also has anxiety that we have to deal with! Poe’s eating overall is better, but he still has days where he struggles to eat. We call them his “hunger strikes.” He will sometimes sit at my feet and shake with anxiety. He freaks out when left alone in the kennel. Having a dog with anxiety is a lot of work. And it’s all thanks to you, cancer!
You have been an emotional burden. It was so hard for me to believe what had happened when my doctor called me. She called on a Friday from her personal cellphone to tell me I had cancer. I didn’t recognize the number at first, so I let it go to voicemail. I held onto the voicemail for a while after the fact. That didn’t really happen, did it? I replayed her voicemail over and over, just trying to process and accept that this was my new reality.
My mother warned Nick that I would cry randomly and often. As previously mentioned, she knew this from personal experience. She wasn’t wrong. I cried. A lot. Sometimes it was random. I wasn’t really thinking of anything, I would just cry. Sometimes I would have the realization over and over again that I have cancer and I would start to cry. Sometimes, I would feel hopeless and worry that I would never have a baby. Then I would start to cry again.
I went to see my family doctor for my yearly physical in February 2026. “You rated a little high on the depression and anxiety scale,” he commented during my exam. “Well,” I replied, “I have cancer.” Though I am not clinically depressed, having cancer has been hard. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions and constant battles with negative thoughts, worries, and fears.
You have caused a lot of anxiety. I constantly worry about so many things. I worry often if I’ve made the wrong choice. Maybe I should have just done the hysterectomy and been done with it all. What if I am not able to come up with the money for fertility treatment? What if the cancer gets worse? What if this means my family curse of developing breast cancer happens faster? What if I get pregnant with fertility treatment and lose the baby? Will I have the financial means to try again? What if something goes wrong during a surgery? What if I get pregnant and something goes wrong because I had cancer? What if the cancer comes back and doesn’t get better? What if I get cancer somewhere else in my body?
There are so many thoughts that run through my mind. Sometimes I just sit and feel the sensation of my heart pounding so hard in my chest. I can’t focus and my mind seems to shut down. It gets hard to breathe. I feel like I want to cry, but my body is too anxious to do so. There are so many worries and questions running through my mind constantly.
I am so overwhelmed. There have been so many doctors appointments. I am constantly being called by the hospital to schedule another scan or lab work. I have been seen by so many doctors. I have had to tell the same story over and over again. I am constantly being poked and prodded.
I am also bombarded by bills coming in the mail. I constantly get collection calls and text messages about my outstanding medical bills. In the meantime, I am also trying to fundraise and plan fundraisers. There is a lot more that goes into it than what I originally imagined. While all of this is going on, I am still working and trying to keep our bills paid and food on the table. I am juggling so much and it is so hard to keep up with.
Over the last few years, I have been working on establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Thanks to you, much of the hard work I did went down the drain. My health was something I wanted to keep to myself. My body was my business. Now, my health is everyone’s concern. Cancer is a bit of a big deal and not something I can keep to myself. Now I have to go back to the drawing board and relearn how to navigate my boundaries in a healthy way while keeping people updated on my cancer treatment, especially for those who love me the most.
You hurt my husband. Almost a week after I got my cancer diagnosis, Nick went to physical therapy for his leg. I was working. While with a client, Nick tried to call me on my work phone. He knows to only do that for emergencies, so I knew it was important. When I got out to my car, I called him. “So, I think I almost had a heart attack,” he told me. While using a bike machine, his heart rate skyrocketed. His physical therapist almost called an ambulance.
Cancer has been a journey for both of us. I am technically the one with cancer, but WE are going through cancer. I can see the helplessness on his face when I moan and cry from intense cramping. I see how tired he is trying to take care of me, especially when I’m really sick or in pain. He has been having difficulty sleeping and having panic attacks from all the worry he carries. You have caused so much worry and anxiety. You have not just hurt me. You hurt my husband.
You caused so much physical pain. In July, I had a D&C procedure done. During the procedure, an IUD was inserted into my uterus. IUDs are typically used for birth control. In this scenario, it is used as part of progesterone therapy to target the cancer directly. When I imagined an IUD, I pictured a tiny little device floating around inside of my body.
Once the IUD was inserted, then the cramping started. These cramps were the worst I have ever had in my life. On a pain scale of 1 to 10, these cramps easily could have been a 9 or 10! I googled what an IUD actually looks like and was shocked at how big they are. It’s not a little device floating inside me like I originally thought. It is a large “T” shaped device that takes up pretty much all of the space in my uterus. No wonder I felt like I was going to die!
I had the device inserted in July, then re-inserted in November. Since my D&C in November, I have had cramps and vaginal bleeding daily. Every morning when I wake up I have cramps. Every evening around 6 or 7 PM, the camps start to kick in again. The heavier the cramps, the heavier the bleeding that comes along with it. I have had many sleepless nights tossing and turning, and crying in pain. The daily pain is exhausting. It feels endless.
In March, I had my first biopsy in the office. I was so thankful for not needing to have surgery again. However, I was not prepared for the awful experience that was about to ensue. As Nick drove me to the hospital, I took the Oxycodone that was prescribed. I mentioned to Nick, “Do you think they are going to give me laughing gas?” He laughed at me. “You just took the laughing gas!” I was fully awake and aware for my biopsy. I squeezed Nick’s hand and shouted, “Owwww!!!” as the doctor scraped the inside of my uterus with a scalpel. I’m sure the whole office could hear me! I was bleeding and cramping for the rest of the day, accompanied by nausea.
You exacerbated my fear of needles. In April of 2024, I had a D&C. This procedure was supposed to be a one and done to reset my uterine lining. After the lining was reset, we were going to manage my periods with medication. Well, then I got a cancer diagnosis, and everything changed. I went on to have two more surgeries. Each time I went, an IV was inserted for anesthesia and other fluids. As previously mentioned, I am terrified of needles! I usually get queasy and often cry. When the IV was inserted before each of my surgeries, the nurses had to discreetly close the door because of my shouting and screaming. It hurt so bad! In addition, I had MRIs with contrast, so more IVs. I had lab work done. I was exposed to so many needles. I sometimes had bruises on my arms from needles going in.
You hurt my self-esteem and body image. Having PCOS affects my body image. Symptoms of PCOS that affect me include weight gain and difficulty losing weight, insulin resistance, irregular periods, cysts on my ovaries, and hirsutism or facial hair. I was prescribed a regimen of progesterone therapy to treat my cancer. I was given a prescription for megestrol, which is a very strong dose of progesterone. I also had an IUD inserted to emit even more progesterone! One of the side effects of progesterone is weight gain. On top of already struggling with my weight and body image, the progesterone therapy made things worse. I gained at least 10 pounds over the last year. I feel so awful in my body.
You ruined my holidays. It had been years since I got to spend a holiday with my family. I had my first D&C right before Easter weekend of 2025. I had my second D&C around the 4th of July. I had my third two days before Thanksgiving. By Christmas time, I didn’t know what was going to happen with my health, not to mention money was tight. I had to tell my family I wasn’t coming home for Christmas either. I got to see my family for a short weekend in June. It has been hard not being able to visit them, especially during a time when I need their love and support the most.
You have been such a financial burden to us! Before getting my cancer diagnosis, we were saving up money for both going out of state for my sister-in-law’s wedding and to visit my family. You drained all of our funds! I am a contractor. The nice part of being a contractor is I have total control of my schedule and can pretty much do what I want. I don’t need to ask for time off. I can just take it if I need it. I don’t have to ask for sick days.
The downside is that if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. Due to surgery, illness, and pain, work has not always been as steady. There have been many sick days. Money has been tight. Our budget has been constrained and burdensome. We are thankful that we have not had an issue paying our bills, but we do not have much wiggle room to just live and breathe. We ended up getting help from family to go to my sister-in-law’s wedding. We are so appreciative of the help, but we would have preferred to make travel arrangements ourselves without needing to depend on someone else.
Speaking of money, in most states, insurance companies are not required to cover fertility treatment. Our next part of our journey will have to be paid for out of pocket! A round of IVF for example can cost $15,000 to $20,000! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and fertility treatments. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.
