Tomorrow cannot be planned in advance!

Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to be a mom. When I said my prayers with my mom every night, I would ask God for twins! A boy and a girl! As I got older, I continued to love babies. There is something so precious about holding a little one and rocking it to sleep, or feeling them grab your finger. I love admiring their tiny fingers and toes. I love the way they are so wide-eyed and curious about the world!

When I met Nick, he didn’t want kids, until he met me. Sometimes you just need to find the right person to have kids with. I was his person. We fell madly in love and got married. Next on the list was to have a baby, right? That’s the order of things. You grow up, fall in love, get married, have babies. 

Well, we waited just a bit. In order to complete my music therapy certification, I needed to complete a 6 month internship. It took me longer than I anticipated to find an internship. Interview after interview left me feeling hopeless. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. I did well academically, but maybe practically I’m not music therapy material. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. My advisor assured me I would find one and encouraged me to keep looking! 

Finally, I found one! In Chicago… Nick and I were living in Michigan at the time. We decided to wait until I finished my internship before trying for a baby. I temporarily moved to a town just outside of Chicago and left Nick behind for 6 months. I came home to visit as often as I could. 

Well, we then got impatient. It was December, probably around Christmas time. I still had one more month to go before my internship was done. Why not give it a try! Even if I do get pregnant right away, I probably won’t even know until after my internship anyways! 

So, we started trying. We tossed the condoms in the trash! I finished my internship a month later. No baby. I studied for 9 months (and during a pandemic), then took my board certification exam and passed! No baby. I found a music therapy job out of state. We packed up and moved. No baby. We moved a second time in the same year! Still no baby. 

We found an OBGYN and scheduled an appointment in hopes of getting help getting pregnant. The OB and I talked about trying some lifestyle changes first- you know, lose some weight, get back on my metformin, etc. Then after following up, we would talk about trying some medications to help me conceive. 

I am currently a music therapy contractor. Part of the joy of being a contractor is that I do not get health insurance through work. I am paid well, but the trade off is that I do not get benefits. We had to purchase our own insurance. We started out with something we thought was good but only ended up being a discount program. It was not at all helpful and way too expensive, so we cancelled it. Looking into insurance was expensive, confusing, and overwhelming. Before long, it had been years since I had been to a doctor, much less my OB. 

One night, Nick was at work. I was at home, and he called me. “So, I just got off the phone with Ellen.” For the sake of privacy, I will be using a different name from her actual name. Ellen is Nick’s younger sister. She got married a few years prior. “They are expecting,” Nick told me. I said nothing. I sat in silence. “Jess? You okay?” I then started to bawl. What should be exciting news- I was going to be an aunt!- was devastating at that moment. 

It wasn’t fair. I had been married longer. I had been trying longer. I am older. I should have had a baby first. I should have had a baby by now! I realize it’s not a competition, but in the order of things, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Not only that, but to someone dealing with infertility, it was another sting in the wound. Why wasn’t it my turn? Why couldn’t it be me? 

I do want to be clear, I was not angry at Ellen in any way, shape, or form for being pregnant. I was sad, and maybe angry at God that it was not me. Several of my friends and acquaintances from church had babies in the last year or two. A good friend of mine had a baby over the summer. One of my best friends was also pregnant at the time. And there I was, still waiting. 

After watching most of my friends and peers have babies, I felt left out and left behind. I felt the ache of wanting something so badly and seeing everyone but me receive it. I didn’t understand why God was making me wait so long. I prayed and prayed and prayed for a baby of my own. 

Well, a few months later, we were in for a surprise! In January, my sister-in-law developed some complications with her pregnancy and needed to have an emergency c-section. The baby was not due until April! In mid-January, my niece Laura Ryleigh (name changed for privacy) was born. The photo we were sent showed a baby no bigger than a little bottle of hand lotion. She was just over a pound! This baby girl was so beautiful, strong, and a true fighter! She definitely made a grand entrance into the world! 

If this precious girl has taught us anything, it’s that we can’t plan for anything. No one was expecting this baby to be here yet, but there she was. We are in control of nothing. Only God is sovereign. “Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” (James 4:13-14)

Though the birth of my niece was a good reminder of God’s sovereignty in our lives, did I really learn the lesson for myself? The month prior, Nick and I finally found an insurance plan. As of January 1st, 2025, we finally had insurance! A month later I started seeing a new OBGYN at a different clinic. Because I was having excessively heavy periods and dealing with infertility, we decided to do a D&C to reset my uterine lining and then start managing my cycles. 

During the procedure, we discovered that I was filled to the brim with polyps! The doctor told us after the surgery, “No wonder you couldn’t get pregnant! Your fallopian tubes were blocked!” There were so many polyps that there was no way for an egg and sperm to meet! She assured us that now our chances of getting pregnant were good. We started to get excited. We were so hopeful. Our super long wait was finally coming to an end. Finally, things were going to be as they should be.

Nick’s older sister, Desi (name changed for privacy), was engaged and planning to get married in early October. Nick had commented, “Wouldn’t it be fun if we could be pregnant by the time of Desi’s wedding? Then you could have a cute baby belly in her wedding pictures?” With our chances now being good, that was a possibility, and I started to daydream. 

Then I got a phone call in May from my OB. The polyps from my surgery were analyzed and came back as positive for cancer. Our good chance to have a baby we thought we had was now smashed to smithereens. But there was still hope of having a baby. The doctor told me I would probably be given a pill to treat the cancer. Then I would get assistance in getting pregnant. Then I would ultimately need a hysterectomy to prevent the cancer from coming back. That was my understanding of our new plan. 

A couple of short weeks later, I went to see the oncologist. She went over the biopsy results with us from my initial surgery with my OB. She explained to me that the biopsy results were not enough to really see the whole picture. Before determining next steps, she wanted to see what the cancer was doing. She sent us home and put in an order for a chest x-ray, CT scan, and MRI. 

She said, assuming the scans showed good results, the plan would be as follows- I was to take a strong dose of progesterone called Megestrol. After the scan results, the oncologist would insert an IUD that would emit progesterone and I would be able to stop taking the pill. That would get rid of the cancer. Once the cancer was gone, she would put in a referral for a fertility specialist who would assist me with getting pregnant, probably through IVF. 

Unlike what was implied by my OBGYN, I was told I would be able to have more than one baby! Nick and I really wanted two. The oncologist said after we had the first baby, she would put the IUD back in between babies to prevent the cancer from coming back. She did strongly recommend that we have our family as quickly as possible. The IUD is not a guarantee to keep the cancer away, and there is a 50% chance of the cancer coming back. A hysterectomy was needed, and soon. 

Our hope of getting pregnant was restored. The cancer was caught very early. We still had hopes of getting pregnant. Maybe I could still be pregnant by the time of the wedding! 

After what seemed like eternity, we got our scan results. The doctor wanted to schedule a virtual appointment with me to discuss the results. We were still hoping for good news. We got on the phone on the day of my appointment. Nick was by my side, holding my hand. 

The CT scan showed no signs of cancer, but the MRI still picked up cancer…. The cancer was found in my myometrium, or the uterine wall or muscle tissue of my uterus. The cancer was about 28% of the way through the wall. If the cancer made it 100% of the way through, it could leave the uterus and have access to my ovaries, bladder, liver, etc. The oncologist indicated that typically in these situations, the standard practice is to do a hysterectomy.

She knew we wanted to have children, so she gave us a choice. While the standard practice is to remove the uterus, many people in our situation have been trying to push the envelope and treat the cancer anyway. There is of course the hope that with intense treatment, the cancer would go away. However, there was the risk that things could stay the same or get worse. There have not been many studies done and there is no current evidence of treatment working in this state.

Due to the invasiveness of the cancer, she gave us a 6 month time stamp. We had 6 months to try to treat the cancer. If it was not gone by that time, then we would have to move forward with the hysterectomy. This would be the new plan. The new plan was unpredictable. We would have to pray and wait. 

We ultimately decided to fight. We still held onto the hope that we could have a baby. At the beginning of July, I had my second D&C of the year. This time, not only was I cleaned out, but the oncologist inserted an IUD. This one was different from the copper IUDs people typically use for birth control. This one was a hormonal IUD that would emit progesterone into my body to target the cancer more directly. 

In the meantime, I took my Megesterol, or very heavy dose of progesterone, daily. I took lots of ibuprofen and tolerated lots of cramping from the IUD. We got a gym membership and I started trying to work out, or at least walk on the treadmill. Sometimes you have to start small! We worked diligently on switching to a Mediterranean diet and incorporating more whole grains and vegetables. 

As we came closer to the part-way check on the cancer, the doctor ordered an ultrasound to determine if yet another D&C was needed. While my lining was not super thick, the ultrasound did show a polyp that the doctor wanted to remove and analyze. Two days before Thanksgiving, I underwent yet a third D&C of the year! During this procedure, the doctor removed two polyps and took a biopsy sample to check on the status of the cancer. 

We had high hopes. Through lots of prayer and talking with wise counsel, I was convinced that God was going to heal me. October came and went, and our hope of getting pregnant by the time of Desi’s wedding had clearly died. But we still had hope that we were going to have a baby. I was excited to see what God was going to do. I was excited to meet my miracle baby. 

Not long after my D&C, I got a call from the oncologist office to go over my biopsy results. They were not what we were expecting and praying for. The nurse on the phone told me the biopsy revealed cancer cells still being found at the surface level. She said at this point in treatment, the cancer should already be completely gone or mostly gone. That is not what the results were showing. 

I was so confused. I am still confused. I was completely convinced that God was going to heal me. I was so sure I was going to have a baby. This was going to be my miracle baby and testament to God’s faithfulness. This was going to be the end of my waiting period. God, what are you doing? Why would you ask me to go through all of this if I don’t get a baby out of it?

As previously discussed with my doctor if cancer was found at the surface, I requested to have another MRI. Nick and I agreed that we would rather have the full picture than wonder if we actually made progress with the cancer in my uterine wall or not. We wanted to cover all our bases and do all we could. We wanted to have no regrets. 

As I am writing this, I am a few hours away from having to go to the hospital for my MRI scan. This scan is going to determine whether we continue with cancer treatment or pull the plug with a hysterectomy. I am still clinging to hope. However, as seen with the events of my life, the birth of my niece, and with every aspect of this cancer journey, plans are impossible. 

I was studying Genesis 50 this morning. After the death of Israel, Joseph’s brothers came to him, groveling and asking for forgiveness. Joseph wept, then he told his brothers, “Am I in the place of God? You planned evil against me; God planned it for good to bring about the present result- the survival of many people.” (Genesis 50:20) Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery. He then ended up in prison. His life also had unexpected twists and turns. Ultimately, he became second in command to Pharaoh in Egypt and saved all of Egypt and his family from famine! 

I can’t make my own plans. I don’t know what the future will hold. But God has a plan. He is sovereign. He will use my struggles for good. Whatever the MRI results, God will use it for good for myself and others. I have to cling to this truth. Without the promise of God’s love and faithfulness, there is no point to all this struggle. So, maybe now I’ve learned my lesson. God is in control. Not my will, but His! 

Of course, my MRI was scheduled for after the start of the new year, when insurance deductibles start over. And of course, MRIs are not cheap! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and possible fertility treatment. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.