Here I am, standing at a crossroad
We left super early in case there was traffic. I held onto my husband’s arm and listened to my “warrior era” playlist I made on Spotify. We were told to expect to be there for about two hours. What were they going to do to me? What was going to happen?
We finally made it to the hospital. It was a different hospital from the one at home. This one was much bigger and about an hour and a half away. We found a parking spot and went inside. We had no idea where to go. The receptionist at the information desk was kind enough to lead the way for us. The hospital setup was so weird. There were so many twists and turns and awkward hallways. We finally made it to our suite and got checked in. I continued to hold my husband’s hand as we sat in the waiting room and waited.
It then came time for my name to be called. The nurse took my height and weight and then had us wait in our room for the doctor. I sat on the exam table, my heart pounding. I reached out my arms, and Nick knew what to do. He stood up and held me. I was nervous and had no clue what to expect.
Just then, a resident then came in. The doctor would be coming in next. I told the resident about our difficulty conceiving and about the recent D&C (or dilation and curettage) I had the month prior, as well as the lab results from that procedure.
The resident then went back to relay the information to the doctor who finally came in to talk to us. I told her the same story I had told the resident. The lab results from my procedure indicated my cancer level was grade 1A. We caught it early. However, the oncologist explained to me that the biopsy results were not enough to really see the whole picture. Before determining next steps, she wanted to see what the cancer was doing.
What was supposed to be a 2 hour appointment was only about 15 minutes. She sent us home and put in an order for a chest x-ray, CT scan, and MRI. She said, assuming the scans showed good results, the plan would be as follows- Until the scans were done, I was to take a strong dose of progesterone called Megestrol. After the scan results, the oncologist would insert an IUD that would emit progesterone and I would be able to stop taking the pill. That would get rid of the cancer. Once the cancer was gone, she would put in a referral for a fertility specialist who would assist me with getting pregnant, probably through IVF.
Unlike what was implied by my OBGYN, I was told I would be able to have more than one baby! Nick and I really wanted two. My OB made things sound like I could only have one, so this was a relief to us. The oncologist said after we had the first baby, she would put the IUD back in between babies to prevent the cancer from coming back. She did strongly recommend that we have our family as quickly as possible. The IUD is not a guarantee to keep the cancer away, and there is a 50% chance of the cancer coming back. A hysterectomy was needed, and soon.
We went home feeling hopeful. However, doubt and worry started to creep in. What if the scans show something worse than what things appear to be on the surface? What if I can’t have a baby afterall? I prayed and prayed, “God, not my will, but Yours be done.”
I went in for my chest x-ray at the hospital in town. The results came back quickly. They were clear. I later went back for my MRI. “Are you claustrophobic?” “No, but I do have anxiety.” I was pretty nervous, but I closed my eyes the entire time and tried to focus on slow, deep breaths. “What kind of music do you want to listen to?” the tech asked me. I chose contemporary Christian music. I wanted to focus on God’s love and cling to the hope that the God who heals would heal me too. The music was comforting and reminded me that through the storm, He was with me. The MRI was so loud. I felt like I would be in there forever! Over the whirring and grinding, I could hear “Through the eye of the storm, you remain in control…” and I was comforted.
The same day we then went straight from the hospital in our town to a different facility in Indianapolis for my CT scan. This scan was much quicker and a little less frightening. I will say as a side note, the contrast they wanted me to drink was disgusting! During both my CT and MRI scans, I prayed. “God, help me to trust you, even if things don’t go the way I want them to. You are bigger than cancer. Please heal me. Be with me through this.”
Once the scans were done, we waited. The CT scan came back first. The nurse on the phone told me the CT did not find any cancer. “Wait, so I don’t have cancer?” I was so confused! The nurse told me that probably during my D&C the cancer cells on the surface were scraped away, so I was now in remission. I was confused, but also relieved at the same time. Now we had to hope and pray the MRI showed the same thing.
The MRI scans took much longer to come back. We waited and waited. Finally, they came back. I got a phone call about the scans. The doctor wanted to schedule a virtual appointment with me to discuss the results. We were still hoping for good news.
We got on the phone on the day of my appointment. Nick was by my side, holding my hand. The doctor shared her findings with us. The MRI was completely different from the CT scan. CT scans, or computed tomography, is a series of x-rays that look at things like bones, organs, tissues and blood vessels. An MRI, or magnetic resonance imaging scan, is similar but looks at things in more detail.
While the CT showed no signs of cancer, the MRI still picked up cancer…. The cancer was found in my myometrium, or the uterine wall or muscle tissue of my uterus. The cancer was about 28% of the way through the wall. If the cancer made it 100% of the way through, it could leave the uterus and have access to my ovaries, bladder, liver, etc. The oncologist indicated that typically in these situations, doctors jump straight to a hysterectomy.
She knew we wanted to have children, so she gave us a choice. While the standard practice is to remove the uterus, many people in our situation have been trying to push the envelope and treat the cancer anyway. There is of course the hope that with intense treatment, the cancer would go away. However, there was the risk that things could stay the same or get worse. There have not been many studies done and there is no current evidence of treatment working in this state.
Due to the invasiveness of the cancer, she gave us a 6 month time stamp. We had 6 months to try to treat the cancer. If it was not gone by that time, then we would have to move forward with the hysterectomy. We told her we needed some time to think. This was such a huge, life changing decision. As we talked to the doctor, Nick got up and walked away. I could tell he was upset.
I thanked the doctor for the information and hung up. “We have to do the hysterectomy,” Nick said. “I can’t lose you.” It was a similar conversation when I updated my mother.”I don’t want to lose you.” “I know,” I sobbed, “but I just want to have a baby. It’s not fair!” My mother acknowledged she couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through. She got to have three babies. I might not get to have any. After trying for so long, that thought was devastating and heartbreaking.
The decision was eating away at me. The pressure to decide was only intensified because I had to decide quickly. Cancer moves fast. We did not have much time to wait. Do I go through with the hysterectomy and just be done with the cancer once and for all? Or do I try to fight it in hopes of having my own baby. The decision was driving me crazy! It wasn’t a matter of eeny meeny meine moe. I couldn’t pick one and change my mind later. Making the decision to remove my uterus was going to change my life. I was so scared. I really wished someone would just tell me what to do. It would have been easier if the doctor just said we had to do the hysterectomy and not given us a choice.
As a follower of Christ, I also wanted to make a decision that was going to honor the Lord. If I do the hysterectomy, is that taking the easy route and not allowing the Lord to work? If I still try to treat the cancer, is that taking my own will and desires into my own hands and going against the Lord’s plans for my family?
Members of my church and prayer team prayed with me that following Sunday. In talking with them, they said, “this could go either way. Your heart is in the right place, so either decision will be honoring to the Lord.” Well, that was comforting, but not helpful in making a decision!
On Monday, I had arranged to meet with a counselor through mine and my husband’s online church. Yes, we are extra! We have an in-person church we attend as well as an online one during the week. (Shout out to Lux Digital Church and their awesome counseling team!) The counselor I met with said similar things that everyone else was saying. The decision could go either way. She instructed me that when I pray, I need to ask God to make it “abundantly clear” what He wanted me to do.
After I got off the call with her, I sat on the couch for a while longer. I closed my eyes, tears flowing down. I prayed once again, “God, please make it abundantly clear what you want me to do….” Just as the words left my mouth, my husband who was fast asleep in the bedroom, unaware of the conversation I just had, came out and said, “I think we need to try the fertility sparing route.” That just had to be a sign, right?
Despite getting my answer, I continued to doubt. “God, is this what you really want? Are you sure? Was that really you answering me, or just a coincidence?” On Tuesday as I was driving in between clients, I continued to pray and try to keep it together. I couldn’t have teary-eyes during my music therapy session! It was raining that day. As I prayed, the rain lightened, the sun came out, and I kid you not, a huge rainbow appeared in the sky- a reminder of God’s promises and His faithfulness.
Later that week, I got an e-mail. I call it Christian spam. I downloaded a different translation of the Bible on my Bible app and accidentally signed up to get these newsletters. I typically delete them. However, this one caught my eye! The title basically asked, “Do you trust God to heal you?” In the newsletter was a video talking about the story in Mark chapter 9. A man brought his demon possessed son to Jesus. He said to Jesus, “If you can do anything….” Jesus’ reaction was, “If you can?! Everything is possible for one who believes.” (Mark 9:17-23)
That was the final push I needed. The future was unknown. I didn’t know what kind of pain I was going to go through. But I was convinced of the path I needed to take. This path out of the two choices was going to be the more difficult. God was asking me, “Do you trust me?” I was being called to trusting obedience. Like the father in Mark, I cried out, “I believe, help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)
Nick and I have been through so much. We have had so many deaths on both sides of our families. We have gone through financial hardships. We have had mental health struggles. We survived the COVID-19 pandemic. We moved and changed jobs. We worked on boundaries with our families together. Through all of these difficulties, God had gotten us through. Now was not the time to stop trusting Him. Now was the time to lean in.
We chose to go the fertility sparing route. That meant, instead of replacing the pill with an IUD, I would both have to continue taking the pill AND have the IUD in place. We would do a follow-up and biopsy part way through treatment to see how things were going. We would hope and pray that at the end of 6 months I would be cancer free and able to have a baby!
The path we chose was also the more expensive one! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and possible fertility treatment. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.
