Mirror, mirror, on the wall, does my PCOS make me look fat?
It’s no secret that in our society today, people, especially women, are bombarded with images on television, in magazines, and on social media of what the “ideal body” should look like. If we don’t look like “that,” then we are made to feel less than. We then find ourselves trying to find a new diet. We have to buy the right clothes to fit in. We watch all of the make-up tutorials and buy expensive beauty or anti-aging products. I have not been immune to the lies society tells us about beauty standards. Having PCOS has made achieving that “ideal body” more difficult.
As a child, I was an “early bloomer.” I don’t remember exactly when I started having my period, but I can tell you that by third grade I was already wearing a sports bra. Right from the get-go, I looked different than the other girls my age. My friends used to come up behind me, snap my bra strap, and call me a “turtle!” I am embarrassed to admit that I didn’t understand the joke until the memory popped up in my mind as an adult many years later!
In fifth grade, we had a day where all of the boys went with our male 5th grade teacher, and all of the girls went with the female 3rd grade teacher for a day-long course that would prepare us for puberty. We learned about the different reproductive organs in both male and female bodies, how periods worked, etc. While talking about the changes that were going to happen to us, our teacher stated, “and girls will begin to develop breasts.” Every kid in that room turned and looked at me. So embarrassing!
I also started shaving my legs early. I remember my mother bought an electric shaver for me. As she was in the bathroom showing me how to use it, my dad complained, “All the women in Mexico have hairy legs! She doesn’t need to shave her legs!” Well, being half Mexican, an eighth Italian, and later being diagnosed with PCOS, yes, I did need to shave my legs. My hair was very thick, especially for my age. I didn’t have peach fuzz like other girls.
When I reached 6th grade, I had clear skin… until picture day. On picture day, I had my first pimple on the right side of my chin. That was the last time I had clear skin as I then battled acne all throughout my teens, and even into adulthood. I used Proactive acne treatment for a long time. 0 out of 10, would not recommend! My skin ended up addicted to it. If I stopped using it, my face would break out horribly! When I did use it, my skin dried out horribly! I just couldn’t win!
Also by the time I got to middle school, I was a bit of a chubby kid. I wasn’t huge, but I wasn’t skinny, and I didn’t feel pretty. My whole family struggles with their weight. I remember being told by well-meaning adults in my life, “you don’t want to be fat. You will feel better if you stay fit.” While there is truth to this, the statement made me self-aware and self conscious of how I looked. I remember packing salads made with iceberg lettuce and pretty much nothing else for lunch in an effort to lose weight. I’m not sure how I got away with that for so long! But I didn’t want to be fat. Fat equaled bad.
In high school, my mom decided to try Weight Watchers for herself. This was in the 2000’s. I know the program has had many changes since I used it. I was curious, so I looked through her materials. She had a book and a calculator designed to calculate Weight Watchers points. You had a certain number of points based on your weight and your goals. I went through and figured out how many points I would need to lose weight. I learned how to look at labels on food packages and calculate their points value. Soon enough, I was successful. Toward the end of high school, I was no longer a chubby kid! I made to it 120 pounds! Yet, somehow, I still didn’t feel pretty.
As a teen, I was diagnosed with PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. For those unfamiliar with this condition that affects 1 in 10 women, PCOS is a hormonal condition. Basically, my ovaries have an abundance of eggs! You would think this would be a good thing, but actually, because there are so many eggs, the brain gets confused and thinks there is already enough hormone present that I must have already released an egg, or ovulated. The hormones needed to release my eggs are disrupted. This then causes the eggs to pile up and sit in my ovaries, which causes ovarian cysts. Typical symptoms of PCOS are irregular periods, cysts on the ovaries (seen through ultrasound), sometimes weight gain, insulin resistance, adult acne, male-pattern balding, or facial hair growth (hirsutism).
As I aged, little hairs started popping up on my chin. They were no big deal. I was able to manage the hair growth by simply plucking them out! Easy! There were days when I forgot to pluck, but no one seemed to notice or treat me differently. That is, until one day when I came home from college to visit.
I was visiting my family, and we were getting ready for church. I realized I forgot to pack my tweezers. “Mom, do you have any tweezers I can borrow?” She did not. She only had little cuticle scissors. I did not want to cut or shave my hair because I did not want to risk having manly stubble, so I decided to leave it. No one will notice.
We got to church and approached the entrance where the greeter was waiting to greet us. We have known this guy for a long time. He was part of our bible study group for many years. He often liked to tease, and often went too far. This particular morning, oh yes, he went way too far!
“You forgot to shave your beard!” I was stunned. I looked him straight in the face, totally speechless. Then I responded, “That was incredibly rude!” I then went past him and went inside. I tried to brush it off, but his comment made me feel so self-conscious. I tried to pay attention in church, but that was hard to do while holding back tears. I finally texted my mom who was sitting next to me. “Do you still have those little scissors?” I asked. She reached in her purse and pulled out the cuticle scissors. I ran to the bathroom, then began cutting the little hairs from my face, crying as I did so.
The one place where I have always felt safe and accepted, and should always feel safe and accepted, suddenly didn’t feel so safe. Thankfully there were consequences for that individual. But that experience really shook my confidence. Women are supposed to have smooth skin, not hairy faces.
After undergrad, and during grad school, I had put on some weight. Graduate school was hard, and I ended up being prescribed antidepressants during my time there. From taking medication, as well as aging and hormonal changes in my body, I started to experience weight gain. My strict sleep routine I had was disrupted and never repaired. When Nick and I met, I weighed around 140 pounds. That wasn’t a bad place to be. But after we got engaged, I continued to grow. When my wedding dress came in, we had to send it back and order the same dress two sizes bigger. Even on my wedding day, I panicked because the dress felt tight!
The hair on my face also continued to grow. It spread from my chin to my cheeks and down my neck. On the left side of my face, the hair grew thickest and formed a thick side-burn. Nick took notice of the growing hair. He upset me one night by suggesting that I wasn’t taking care of myself or keeping up with my grooming routine. I definitely was! The hair was just so much that it was impossible to keep up with anymore! Plucking just wasn’t enough.
After not having insurance for a few years, I finally went back to the doctor at the beginning of 2025. Both my doctor and OB checked my blood sugar levels. My A1C and insulin levels were very high! Yet another fun aspect of having PCOS- I have insulin resistance! If my sugar levels got any higher, I would be diabetic! I requested a referral for nutritional counseling to see if I could get my blood sugar under control naturally. I started seeing a nutritionist who taught me about the Mediterranean diet and how it is the best diet for diabetes (or prediabetes). Despite making so many changes towards a Mediterranean diet, going to the gym, and drinking more water, I still wasn’t losing weight. I lost about 4 pounds in the beginning, then gained them back, then plateaued.
Between my weight, the facial hair, and my periods starting to get farther and farther apart, I knew my hormones were a hot mess. I just didn’t realize how much of a mess I was until I was finally diagnosed with endometrial cancer. To treat the cancer, I was given hormone therapy. I was pumped with progesterone through a medication called Magese. I also had a hormonal IUD inserted to pump me full of more progesterone. The doctor explained, “we are going to make your body think you’re pregnant without actually being pregnant.” A very common symptom of Magese and/or progesterone is weight gain. Now my concerning weight was going to become more of a concern, not to mention the affect it had on my body image and confidence!
My body and my hormones were so messed up. I finally got fed up. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired of being fat, I was tired of my body not functioning like it should, and I was tired of feeling like a man with a beard and mustache! My weight would be a longer work in progress, and the cancer likewise. But the hair I could try to fix more immediately.
I went to Walmart and found an electrical facial shaver for women. It came with a couple of razors. I felt so embarrassed at the store, and I felt overwhelmed by the choices. What was good quality? What was actually going to work? What wasn’t going to leave me with manly stubble? There were a couple of people in the aisle with me. I thought to myself, “Please don’t look at me. Please don’t judge me. Please don’t look at my face” as I browsed the electric shavers. I finally picked one out and left the store. I started shaving my face as soon as I got home.
Nick called me to tell me he was on his way home from his Warhammer game. I sounded agitated on the phone, so he asked me, “What’s wrong?” “I bought a shaver,” I told him. “I’m just feeling a little emotional right now. I haven’t seen my face like this in a long time.” When he came home, I was still trying to get a stubborn patch of hair off of my chin- the spot where my first pimple was in 6th grade!
Nick pulled out his shaving kit he uses for his beard and changed the head. He then helped me shave the patch away. Then, he took my chin in his hand, lifted it, and kissed me. I of course started to cry. “I always think you look beautiful. I will always love you no matter how you look.”
Since shaving my face, it has been easier to go out in public and feel less self-conscious. I do have to shave daily to keep from getting little manly stubbles on my chin.
Being pumped with high doses of progesterone affects my weight and energy levels. I’d be lying if I said having cancer didn’t affect my confidence. Having PCOS has made obtaining the “ideal body image” impossible. I was able to slim down, but hormonal changes undid all of the hard work I did as a teen. Having cancer makes things that much harder. Any goals I had to make changes and lose weight now have been hindered by my cancer treatment. Despite having all of these factors working against me, I have found three secrets that help me feel beautiful.
One in 10 women are affected by PCOS. That means 1 in 10 women also struggle to meet “ideal beauty standards” because of no fault of their own. Even if you don’t have PCOS, so many women are impacted by the ideologies that are shoved down our throats by our culture. I am so thankful that my cancer was caught early, but cancer also still takes its toll on our bodies in ways that also affect our self-esteem and body image. I am hoping these secrets I have learned can be helpful to you as you learn to cope with and accept your beautiful body!
Secret number 1: Find someone in your life who loves you no matter what! This can be a spouse, a partner, a friend, or family member. It can be multiple people. Nick tells me every day he thinks I look hot, or he tells me I am pretty or beautiful. When he says it, he really means it. I am so lucky to have a man who loves me in all formats of my body. He has been with me through the weight gain, weight loss, hormone changes, and cancer challenges. When he said “I do,” he meant it forever. He didn’t say “I do” to my figure. He said “I do” for me.
Secret number 2: Look outside yourself! Since becoming a music therapist and working with clients, I realized that I feel the most beautiful at work. I feel beautiful when my kiddos get excited to see me. Their parents will tell me their child has been asking for “Miss Jessica” all week. I have one client who tells me repeatedly that she loves me. I feel that I matter and have value when I am told my clients or their parents don’t want to work with another music therapist. They want to work with only me. I feel beautiful when we laugh and enjoy our session together. I feel beautiful when my clients make progress towards their goals. We get so excited because they did it! I love the look of pride on their faces.
When I am working, I find myself doing something meaningful that affects another person. I am not focused on how I look. I am focused on loving someone else. Our society has gotten too narcissistic, and I think it shows. If you want to feel beautiful, maybe it’s time for a career change. Maybe it’s time to go back to school. Maybe it’s time to volunteer or participate in the community. Doing something meaningful for other people is a game changer. If you’re only focused on yourself, you’re going to only see and focus on the flaws. It’s when we love other people that we are able to see our value and strengths.
Secret number 3: Find something to look to that reminds you of your worth. For me as a Christian, I believe we are all made in the image of God. We all know the verse, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:13-14). I also look to Ephesians 1:4-5. “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will…” We matter to God. We are created for Him and by Him.
I think of an artist. I have actually painted for over 25 years. On one painting I was working on, I decided to use glitter. I didn’t just spread the glitter out. I strategically placed the glitter in certain spots to form constellations on a lake. While the glitter was settling and drying, another individual at the studio picked up my painting to admire it. The glitter went everywhere! Not only was the glitter not set, the painting was an oil painting, so it would literally take months to dry! That meant the glitter was no longer where I specifically wanted it to be and was not fixable. I was so incredibly upset!
I often think this is how God feels when we put ourselves down or try to change ourselves to fit in with everyone else. We weren’t designed to look like and fit in with everyone else. We were designed to look just as he made us, a beautiful creation in His image, His handiwork. He strategically designed and placed us how and where we need to be.
I’ll be honest, even though I know the secrets to feeling beautiful, it’s not always easy to remember them or live it out. It takes a lot of work to change our mindset, especially when we are bombarded by a culture that says we are not good enough. But I am getting better day by day. Having cancer puts things into perspective about what is really important and what really matters in life. I think of all the people who have cried and prayed and worried over my cancer. I think of all the people who love me, especially during this time, regardless of my weight or what my face looks like!
These secrets I have shared are a help and reassurance to me. I know body image is a struggle for many women with PCOS. Girl, you are not alone! I hope these secrets I have learned can help you feel beautiful too.
My sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us as I go through cancer to help with medical bills and possible fertility treatment. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.
