I am just… so… tired…

[CONTENT WARNING: Parts of this post may be graphic, discuss menstrual periods, excessive bleeding, and miscarriage.]

In April of 2023, I took a pregnancy test. Nick and I wanted to have mimosas on Easter, but I was wondering if something was going on in my body that maybe I shouldn’t. I felt different. A couple of symptoms popped up that could have been brushed off as part of normal PMS, but for me felt abnormal or way out of proportion. Just to be safe, I thought I should check. 

I was hopeful. I peed on a stick, then waited the agonizing 3 minutes! I went back to check, and was disappointed, yet again, to see only one line. At least I could have a mimosa with my husband. 

A week after my pregnancy test, I started my period. At first, things seemed normal. Then they weren’t. I started to feel nauseous. While working with a client on Monday, I felt like I was going to throw up. When his session was done, I cancelled the rest of my clients and went home for the day. Later that week, as I sat on the couch, I felt a blood clot. It went straight through my pad and my pants onto the couch! 

From there, I started bleeding extremely heavily. Every couple of hours, I needed to change my pad! I Google searched “How much blood is too much blood to lose on your period?” and “How much blood do you need to lose to go to the emergency room?” I was just borderline at the point of considering going to the ER. In hindsight, maybe I should have. 

By Thursday, I went to the bathroom. As I sat on the toilet, large blood clots came out. Among the blood clots was one that caused alarm! It wasn’t a normal, dark red ball of blood. This one was pink and rectangle shaped. The texture was fleshy and made me think of raw steak. If you have ever eaten steak in a Mexican taco, that’s what it looked like, but raw. 

“What in the world is that?!” At the time, we did not have health insurance, so the only medical professional I felt I could consult was Dr. Google. I put in the description of the item that came out of me. Dr. Google led me to think that I had an early miscarriage. But my pregnancy test was negative! 

I decided to contact my doctor through MyChart. After a lot of back and forth with the nurse, the doctor finally suggested I get lab work done to confirm there was no pregnancy. Two weeks after my period from hell, I had a pregnancy test done via blood. The test was negative. When I went to see him in his office, he brushed off my concerns about my period. “You had what we call a ‘true period’.’ You actually ovulated and just had a heavy period.” 

I went home, glad the worst was over. I had never seen that much blood during a period before. Having PCOS, I have had many heavy periods, but nothing like that! I was hopeful that with such a heavy period that the next would be lighter and more normal. 

Well, the next month came, and no period. A few months later, and still no period. Finally in September (5 months later), I had my period. Just as before, the floodgates were opened. I again had to take a week off of work. There was so much blood that I asked my poor husband to go to the store to get adult diapers and baby wipes for me. There were several times where I would sit on the toilet, and the blood would flow, clot after clot.

This became my norm for two years. Every 4 to 6 months I would have a period that would decimate my body! I had to take a week off of work. I was so sick. My body was a ticking time-bomb. I was so exhausted from the toll these periods took on my body. I was beginning to doubt my OB that this was normal. Something was really wrong. 

In January of 2025, Nick and I finally got health insurance! Not long after, I went to a different OBGYN. I finally felt listened to on my fertility journey! She ordered some testing for me. She also prescribed a medication called Provera, progesterone, that would force a withdrawal bleed/period. After my period was done, she wanted me to have an ultrasound to see what was going on in my uterus. Despite bleeding for nearly 14 days, my uterine lining was still extremely thick! 

We decided the best course of action was to perform a D&C, or dilation and curettage procedure. The idea was to reset the uterine lining, then we could manage my periods with medication. 

During the procedure, it was discovered that I was filled to the brim with polyps! After surgery, the polyps were sent to a lab for analysis. The OB assured me that she did not see any signs of calcification, so she did not suspect infection or cancer. 

Following my procedure, I felt amazing! I felt light. I was warned that I may have some bleeding, but I did not bleed. It was wonderful! The procedure happened on Thursday. I was able to return to work on Monday. Life went back to normal, but now we had restored hope at having a family. 

Then, on May 2nd, 2025, my OB called me on her personal cell phone to tell me the worst case scenario- I had endometrial cancer. She referred me to a gynecologist-oncologist. The oncologist ordered some imaging in addition to the biopsy done during my D&C: A chest x-ray, CT scan, and MRI. She also sent me home with a prescription for a drug called Megestrol, which is a very strong dose of progesterone. 

The MRI showed that the cancer was in my myometrium, or uterine wall. The cancer was 28% of the way through. If it made it 100% of the way through, it would have access to spread to my neighboring organs. The recommended course of action was to schedule a hysterectomy. 

The oncologist knew that Nick and I really wanted to have a family, so she gave us a choice. More and more people in our position have been opting to push the envelope and try to treat the cancer anyways. The standard practice with the cancer in this particular location is to remove the uterus, and there is not sufficient evidence to support that treatment would be effective. There was the risk that things could get worse or stay the same. 

Through prayer and wise counsel, Nick and I decided to try to treat the cancer. At the beginning of July, another D&C was scheduled. This time, an IUD was inserted. This IUD would emit progesterone to target the cancer more directly.  My last D&C went great. I felt so good afterward. This second D&C did not go as well. 

I felt extremely nauseous after the procedure. The second or third night after my procedure, the cramps hit. I had never felt anything like the cramps I had that night. On a pain scale of 1 to 10, the cramps definitely felt like a 9 or 10. I moaned and screamed in pain. My body tensed up and curled with each cramp. My surgery was performed at a hospital an hour away, so Nick called the hospital in town to see if I should go to the ER. 

I remembered that a friend of mine is an OB, so I texted her, “Hey, I know you’re not my doctor, but can I ask a medical question?” I was so thankful for my friend’s help as we determined simple ibuprofen would do the trick. The pain was better, but still persisted. 

With my first D&C, I was able to return to work a few days after my surgery. This time around, I took at least a week off. Even after I went back to work, I went to bed every night in agonizing pain. The difference between the first D&C and the second was the IUD. 

From July to November, I continued to take my Metformin and Megestrol, both which are large pills. I also continued to exist with an IUD in my body which caused daily cramps. We continued and waited. All of the progesterone being pumped in my body made me hungry all of the time. It also made me physically fatigued. More and more frequently I felt myself feeling the need to sleep in the middle of the afternoon. Getting out of bed in the morning was already difficult. Now it was really difficult!

People would ask me for an update on how things were going. “Things are going. We’re just waiting,” was the response I gave over and over. The waiting was agonizing. What was happening in my body? Was the treatment working? 

Don’t get me wrong. We caught my cancer early enough that I didn’t need to have chemotherapy. I am so thankful that I didn’t have to have chemo! I do not envy anyone who is at that stage in their journey. However, cancer is so destructive to the body, no matter what stage it is! Hormone therapy definitely took its toll on my body and my spirit. 

Some days, the cramping was so bad, and I was so tired, that I wondered if it was all worth it. There were days when I thought, “Let’s just do the hysterectomy and be done with it.” I was tired of big pills getting stuck in my throat twice a day. I was tired of being tired. I was tired of cramping. I was tired of waiting. 

Come November, it was time to perform another biopsy to track progress. I had another ultrasound to determine if I needed another D&C based on how thick my lining was. My lining did not look too bad, but the ultrasound did pick up a polyp that the doctor wanted to remove and analyze. Two days before Thanksgiving I was scheduled for my third D&C of the year. 

Prior to my surgery, so many friends checked in with me to ask how they could support us. Our in-person bible study group set up a meal train for us for after the procedure. Friends and fellow members of our online church (Lux Digital Church) reached out to us to pray for us. One of the pastors is actually friends with us! He was among those who called to pray with us. 

Pastor Dalton (username @itsdruzi) asked how I was doing with everything. “I’m just so tired,” I told him. “I’m tired of the medication, I’m tired of being poked and probed, and I’m so tired of waiting.” He commended me for my willingness to fight. “If it were us, I would tell Em, let’s just do the hysterectomy and be done with it,” he told me. 

He then reminded me of a man named Nehemiah who was also tired. Nehemiah was heartbroken by the destruction of Jerusalem. He was compelled to rebuild the wall to the city of Jerusalem, God’s holy city. Nehemiah was faced with many trials and doubts. He had adversaries who mocked him. But he continued to push on. I started to cry as he reminded me of this story. God gave Nehemiah the strength and the perseverance to move forward with rebuilding the city. In the same way, God will equip me to endure. 

Though I have not been ridiculed or have “adversaries” mocking my decisions, I have been faced with temptations and voices telling me to call it quicks. Every time we met with the oncologist, she would remind us, “If it’s ever too much, just let me know and we can schedule a hysterectomy,” or “Just remember, a hysterectomy is always on the table.” I also had loved ones encouraging me to have the hysterectomy out of fear that things could go wrong or get worse. It would have been nice to have been done, but God called me to trust him. So I persevered through the exhaustion. 

The third D&C was not as great as the first, but not as bad as the second. The IUD still caused cramping, but we were ready with ibuprofen this time! We were supported through meals and prayers. We are unbelievably grateful for all of the love and support we received during this time. 

A few days later, I got a call with my biopsy results. The results were not what we were expecting or praying for. The nurse on the phone told me the biopsy revealed cancer cells still being found at the surface level. She said at this point in treatment, the cancer should already be completely gone or mostly gone. That is not what the results were showing. 

I was so confused. I was completely convinced that God was going to heal me. I was so sure I was going to have a baby. God, what are you doing? Why would you ask me to go through all of this if I don’t get a baby out of it? Was this all a waste of time? Was this not the path God wanted me to take?

As previously discussed with my doctor if cancer was found at the surface, I requested to have another MRI. Nick and I agreed that we would rather have the full picture than wonder if we actually made progress with the cancer in my uterine wall or not. We wanted to cover all our bases and do all we could. We wanted to have no regrets.

It took a while for our insurance to approve my MRI, which meant more waiting. After the new year, I went in for my MRI. The oncologist also pre-scheduled my follow-up to go over the results. A week later, I got a call from the radiology department at our hospital. The radiologist at the oncology office wanted a specific scan. I was asked to come in for yet another MRI! I was assured that the results were requested to come in STAT. It was the manager I spoke with. I informed her that I needed the results before our appointment on Tuesday. 

On Monday evening, the oncology office called me. They did not get the results in time, so we had to reschedule for Thursday. Well, they didn’t really “reschedule” my appointment. I was told the doctor would call me “sometime on Thursday while in between surgeries.” More waiting! 

We were so nervous and so sure to get bad news. Waiting even just a couple more days only increased our anxiety. Thursday finally came. I cancelled my clients for the day. If we got bad news, I knew I needed time to process and cry. Nick and I braced ourselves for the phone call. We sat in our bed together, waiting. My heart pounded. Finally, the phone rang.

To our surprise, the oncologist told us the MRI showed NO CANCER in the uterine wall! Before, it was 28% of the way through. Now it was gone! Because of the cells still found at the surface level, I was instructed to continue with treatment. At the end of February I would have another ultrasound and a follow up with her in early March. We wanted to give enough time for my body to be totally cancer free. 

Instead of spending the day crying and processing, we spent the day celebrating! The cancer was gone! But my journey is not over. There is a 50% chance of the cancer coming back, so I do have to have a hysterectomy. First, I get to try to have a baby! A week later, we went to see the fertility specialist for an initial ultrasound, testing, and bloodwork. 

I am still tired. I waited all the way through this cancer journey. Now I have to wait and endure through fertility treatments. But I know my God is with me, equipping me to follow the path He has called me to. Even when things look bleak, God is still trustworthy and comes through for me over and over again!

In most states, insurance companies are not required to cover fertility treatment. Our next part of our journey will have to be paid for out of pocket! A round of IVF, for example, can cost $15,000 to $20,000 USD! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and fertility treatments. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.