Dear Cancer, I love you!
If anyone knows me well, they know that I love watching John Delony on YouTube! If you know me well and you didn’t know that, well, now you know. I am a huge John Delony fan! Dr. John Delony, part of the Dave Ramsey team, is a mental health expert who gives advice and counsel to people who call in to his show. He is also a best selling author.
One piece of advice that he gives to people who are experiencing grief is to write three letters, usually to a person. The first letter is “dear so and so, I love you.” This is a letter to express appreciation and to reflect on positive memories. The second letter is “dear so and so, how dare you.” This is a letter to express what you are upset about or how the other person hurt you. The third letter is “hey, this is what you’re going to miss out on” to grieve and process what life will be like without that person.
People expect those with cancer to put on a brave face and be a “warrior.” We are supposed to have a positive attitude and fight off the cancer with a smile. However, having cancer comes with lots and lots of grief. I have shed a tear or two throughout this whole journey. When I first got the news that I had cancer, my mother warned Nick that I would cry randomly… a lot. She knew this from experience since she is a breast cancer survivor.
Though cancer is not a person, it is still something that needs to be grieved and reflected on. This is my first of the three letters- “Dear Cancer, I love you.” As crazy as it seems, there has been a lot of good that has come out of having cancer. Here is my letter and my thoughts on why I love cancer.
Dear Cancer,
I love you. You have changed my life for the better. You have made me stronger in so many ways. I have overcome many obstacles that have been placed in front of me as a result of having you. I have had so many opportunities to be brave, to be humble, and to trust.
During my time in graduate school, I started to struggle with severe anxiety and panic attacks around eating. I developed a choking anxiety and had a hard time eating anything that was not mush or liquid. I would get nervous and panicky around others eating, especially when they were eating chewy or crunchy things. I ate much more slowly out of caution. On mine and Nick’s first date, it took me about 20 minutes to eat one Red Lobster Cheddar Bay biscuit! I stopped taking my metformin (a medication typically prescribed for diabetes but also used to regulate PCOS symptoms) due to the size of the pills and my fear of choking on them.
After seeing a new OB, I was prescribed metformin again. My PCOS symptoms were out of control. Metformin was going to help regulate my insulin resistance and my hormones that had been long neglected since graduate school.
After getting a cancer diagnosis, I was also prescribed a medication called megestrol. Both the metformin and megestrol were large pills and potential triggers for my anxiety. The megestrol has hard, cornered edges that frequently get stuck in my throat. However, I don’t want the cancer to get worse, so I know I have to take it. Preserving my life has been a motivator for getting over my fear of choking on pills. Thank you cancer for helping me overcome my choking anxiety and have an easier time taking pills! I still get anxious, but I have been taking large pills now for so long that my anxiety has lessened and I am able to take them quicker and consistently. I can even take pills now with a straw, which is something I was never able to do before!
Because of you, I learned to ask questions and speak up for myself. In 2023, I had the most heavy period I had ever seen in my life! It was so heavy that I contemplated going to the emergency room or thought maybe I was having an early miscarriage. My previous OB brushed away my concerns. He told me that my really bad period was “normal,” and that I just had a “true period” and ovulated. He assured me it was just a really heavy period and sent me on my way.
But then the problem persisted. Every 4 to 6 months, I would have a period just as heavy and devastating as the first one. I learned to trust my instincts. I knew something was not right. Even a heavy period should not leave you debilitated like mine did. I’m so glad I was able to find a different doctor who listened to me and helped get to the root of my issue.
All of my life, I have been afraid of needles and blood. Even just talking about it sometimes makes me feel faint or queasy. I usually have to warn the nurse or lab technician (whoever is poking me with a needle) that I might cry or faint. I usually cry, and it’s a whole ordeal. Since having cancer, needles have become a more frequent occurrence for me. I am still afraid of needles, but I have gotten better at tolerating them (unless it’s an IV for surgery). I cry less and become faint less frequently. After all of the blood work, having IV’s, and injections, I have had lots of practice being brave!
I learned to listen to my body and take time off when I needed it. There were plenty of days when the cramping from my IUD was too much. Those were the days I would take off from work and rest. I would sit or lay down with a rice sock or a heating pad. I would often sleep the pain away. There were also other days when I felt overwhelmed and physically and mentally drained. Those were also the days when I took off from work to rest. Over many conversations, my supervisor at work would remind me that in order to give 100% to my clients, I need to be 100% and make decisions that are going to take care of me. Having cancer challenged me to put that ideology into practice, especially when it comes to my health.
You have humbled me and taught me that it’s okay to ask others for help. Asking for help can be difficult. Maybe it’s my pride that gets in the way and keeps me from asking for help. I want to be independent and handle things on my own. I want others to see me as capable and confident. I often feel like I need to prove myself. However, when you have cancer, that makes independence much more difficult. When you’re not feeling well or recovering from surgery, taking care of even the little things feel like herculean tasks! By asking for help and communicating my needs, I have been able to have my needs met by others.
Getting help from others also allowed opportunities for others to bless someone else. We as Christians are called to “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). My brothers and sisters in Christ were more than willing and quickly stepped in to help where they could!
You helped me feel love. When my friends and family learned about my cancer, they all came alongside me to support me. We were provided meals after my many surgeries. Our in-person and online church both prayed fervently over us and for us. My friends surrounded me and provided listening ears and shoulders to cry on. All of the hugs, all the prayers, all the cards and letters, all the texts and phone calls, meant so much to me, and I felt so loved.
Having cancer has made my marriage stronger. Nick has been by my side for every step of the process. He has been with me for the majority of my appointments. He has held my hand for every needle and scary moment. He has kissed me goodbye before every surgery and was my motivation for waking up after surgery. Every time I woke up from the anesthesia, Nick was my very first thought. We talk more openly and grieve together.
Cancer has been a journey for both of us. I am technically the one with cancer, but WE are going through cancer. I have heard it said that cancer can either make a marriage or break it. Cancer has definitely made our marriage and made it stronger. He is the best support and my biggest cheerleader. I wouldn’t have been able to go through this journey without him.
I learned to trust God. Even when things were uncertain, I was able to see God provide over and over again. I was able to see Him come through for me. Even when it seemed God asked me to do something crazy -treat the cancer with likely odds that treatment wouldn’t work- I was called to lean into him. When I couldn’t work because of surgery or illness, God provided financially. Somehow all of our bills were always paid.
Even when things looked bleak, God was with me. After my biopsy in November, the results showed cancer still at the surface level. I was told the cancer should either be totally gone or almost gone at that point. That is not what the results were showing. I was confused and scared, but I still chose to trust God.
We ultimately got good news from our most recent MRI that the cancer was pretty much gone! The cells found at the surface level were probably left over from the cancer leaving the uterine wall! When the odds seemed against us, God still came through and healed! God keeps his promises. He is trustworthy.
Cancer has also helped me be more financially aware and communicate finances with Nick better. Since being sick, working is sometimes difficult. If I don’t work, I don’t get paid. That is part of the fun of being a contractor! That means money has frequently been tighter than usual. The money we had saved up prior to finding out about the cancer is gone. Through God’s provision and tight budgeting, we have gotten better at money management. We have gotten better at talking about money together. We are more aware of bad spending habits and where we need to save money. These are important things to be aware of and talk about as we prepare for the next step on our cancer journey- fertility treatment.
In most states, insurance companies are not required to cover fertility treatment. Our next part of our journey will have to be paid for out of pocket! A round of IVF for example can cost $15,000 to $20,000! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and fertility treatments. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.
Thank you cancer, for all you’ve done for me! I love you!
