Dear Cancer, here’s what you’re going to miss!
If anyone knows me well, they know that I love watching John Delony on YouTube! If you know me well and you didn’t know that, well, now you know. I am a huge John Delony fan! Dr. John Delony, part of the Dave Ramsey team, is a mental health expert who gives advice and counsel to people who call in to his show. He is also a best selling author.
One piece of advice that he gives to people who are experiencing grief is to write three letters, usually to a person. The first letter is “dear so and so, I love you.” This is a letter to express appreciation and to reflect on positive memories. The second letter is “dear so and so, how dare you.” This is a letter to express what you are upset about or how the other person hurt you. The third letter is “hey, this is what you’re going to miss out on” to grieve and process what life will be like without that person.
People expect those with cancer to put on a brave face and be a “warrior.” We are supposed to have a positive attitude and fight off the cancer with a smile. However, having cancer comes with lots and lots of grief. I have shed a tear or two throughout this whole journey. When I first got the news that I had cancer, my mother warned Nick that I would cry randomly… a lot. She knew this from experience since she is a breast cancer survivor.
Though cancer is not a person, it is still something that needs to be grieved and reflected on. This is my third of the three letters- “Dear Cancer, this is what you’re going to miss out on!” After my last biopsy, we learned that my cancer has been reduced to pre-cancer cells! I am so close to being cancer free! Here are my thoughts on what cancer is going to miss out on because I am moving on!
Dear Cancer,
I heard you’re on the way out. You tried to destroy my fertility. You came in stealthily. Other than having abnormally heavy periods, I had no other symptoms indicating you were there. If we found you any later, you might have tried to take my life! I’m so glad we found you when we did! Now that I’m healing and getting better, I am looking forward to moving on and living my life to the fullest- without you. Here is what you’re going to miss out on.
We have the opportunity to try to have a baby. Cancer, you tried to take away my fertility. After my initial MRI, we learned that you were growing in my uterine wall. You were attempting to make your escape to spread to my neighboring organs. At the time, you made it about 28% of the way through. Due to you being in the wall, the oncologist’s initial recommendation was to do a hysterectomy. This meant, unless I was a millionaire who could afford to hire a surrogate, I would never be able to have my own biological child.
This was devastating news, as we had been trying to have a family for over 5 years! It felt like all hope was crushed. All our time trying felt wasted. Initially, we thought the hysterectomy was the way to go, but the thought of not having my own baby was heartbreaking. Then I prayed and asked God to make it abundantly clear what He wanted me to do. No matter the decision, I wanted to make sure I was honoring God’s will and not fighting for my own. Just as I finished praying, Nick came out of the bedroom and said, “I think we need to take the fertility sparing route.” There was my answer, clear as day!
We were given the chance to try to treat the cancer. It was a risk. There was a good chance the treatment wouldn’t work or that things would get worse. There was no evidence to indicate that treatment would work. We are so glad we took that risk and tried anyway. If we didn’t try, we wouldn’t know what would have been possible. I am so close to being cancer free and on my way to start fertility treatments! Though this is our last chance, we get to have a chance!
Our next step once you are gone is to begin the fertility journey. While going through fertility treatment, I get to learn more about my body and how fetal development works. I sometimes feel left out of conversations, especially when talking with friends who are going through pregnancies or are reminiscing about their pregnancies. They talk about the hormonal aspects, different tests, ultrasounds or scans, or about the different stages in their growing child’s development.
After I got my diagnosis, a friend invited me to an IVF support group on Facebook. Many of the women in the group talk about so many hormones, discuss different numbers, and use so many acronyms that it is almost like a different language. Through pursuing fertility treatment, I get to learn more about how my body works and about how babies develop and grow, starting at the cellular level. I will be able to relate and speak their language with them. I am sad that my body cannot produce a baby without intervention, but I am excited to find a community among others like me who are on a similar journey.
I have a feeling Nick is going to be excited by the process as well. Each time I went in for a surgery or a procedure, he asked the nurses so many questions about what they were doing, or about what the scans showed. He was so curious and eager to learn. Fun fact- Hospitals now have ultrasound machines available to find veins for inserting IVs. That is one of his favorite things to watch.
I get another chance to balance my hormones and try to be healthy. I’ve tried so many things on my own in the past to balance my hormones. I’ve changed my diet multiple times. I’ve gotten in and out of varying exercise routines. I’ve listened to podcasts and watched YouTube videos giving promising tips and advice with no success. Since getting my cancer diagnosis, it has been more necessary than ever to balance my hormones and focus on my health.
After getting diagnosed with cancer, I had some nutritional counseling to get help with real advice on healthy eating. Nick and I got a gym membership to encourage each other to improve our physical fitness. I’ve met with so many doctors and learned so much about my body. I started taking my metformin again to balance my blood sugar and combat my insulin resistance. I am excited to take what I have learned and continue towards a healthy lifestyle. We hope to instill these new healthy habits to our child.
I’m going to put the skills I learned with Poe to good use and try to be a good mom. In my previous blog post, I wrote about my dog, Poe. We got him when he was a puppy at 2 ½ months old. He went to puppy school and learned basic obedience. Inside, he was a very good dog. As he got older, he started to have behavioral issues outside. It was very frustrating, and it is something we are still struggling with at 2 ½ years old.
We realized after I got my cancer diagnosis that Poe has been owner guarding. We assume he knew I had cancer before I did. It has been said that puppies are good practice for having children. Poe has been a good practice child and taught me to have patience and not be so reactive when I am feeling angry or frustrated.
Children are learning what it means to be human. They are going to frustrate their parents at some point in their little lives. They are going to misbehave and test boundaries. After dealing with Poe, I feel more equipped to deal with difficult behaviors and respond in love. I am looking forward to move on from “practicing” with my dog and parenting for real with my child!
Throughout this cancer journey, Nick and I have grown closer to each other. Though I am the one going through cancer, “WE” are going through cancer. This whole thing has been a struggle for Nick. He has done his very best to take care of me and provide for me. He worries and feels helpless when the cramps take over and I am in pain.
We are excited for this cancer journey to be over and to move onto the next step. We have been married for about 8 years. We have had plenty of time to get to know each other better and learn to work as a team. We are excited to finally get to know each other as parents and learn to work together to raise our baby. We are hopeful that this journey will bring us even closer together than it already has as we finally build our family!
Nick is silly and fun. He is very smart and creative. He is also calm and collected during stressful situations. He often helps keep me calm and regulated when I’m under stress. He often reminds me to breathe. He is going to be a good dad. I can’t wait to see him in action playing with and also calming our baby.
I am excited to be a mom. I have been waiting for so long. I can’t wait to hold them and rock them to sleep. I can’t wait to show them the world. I don’t know what I will be like as a mom yet, but I am excited to find that out together with Nick.
Once the cancer is gone, I get to see God work more miracles in my life and praise Him for what he’s already done! Getting cancer was a surprise that we were definitely not ready for. When we learned that the cancer was in my uterine wall, we were faced with very difficult decisions and uncertainty. It was a scary time. Having cancer has been full of so many ups and downs. It has been a rollercoaster ride. There have been so many moments of tears and laughter. There has been pain and comfort. It has been a lot to keep up with.
Throughout this cancer journey, we have seen God work through our loved ones. Friends from our church, our community, and our family came alongside us. We had meals provided for us. Friends helped with transportation and went to appointments with me. We were surrounded with prayers. Loved ones supported us financially. All of the love we have received has been a blessing. Through the love and support, we have been able to see God and His character. We have seen God come through for us in so many ways. We are so excited that I have been healing and that you, Cancer, are going away!
We are so excited to see what God is going to do next. A song that has stuck with me during this journey has been the hymn “Trust and Obey.”
When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still
And with all who will trust and obey
Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey
Throughout this journey, God has called me to trust and obey. Once the cancer is gone, I’ll need to continue trusting and obeying Him. I don’t know what fertility treatment is going to look like. I hear IVF is painful, and I’m terrified of needles! I’m not sure how we’re going to pay for treatment, but I have to have faith that the creator and author of the universe is capable of providing. God has a plan. He’s been trustworthy thus far. I am excited to see him continue to come through in ways only God can!
Cancer, I’m excited you are leaving. You’re going to miss out on the beautiful life and beautiful family we are going to have. I do have to admit though, I am a little sad about the things I’ve missed out on. I’ve missed out on “finding out” that I’m pregnant and getting excited with Nick. Now, it’s going to be less of a surprise. It’s going to be methodically calculated. Similarly, I’m sad to miss out on surprising my family. Now everyone is watching and waiting. I’m sad that my body doesn’t function as it should, so we need medical intervention to have a family. I’ve missed out on having kids alongside my peers. Our kids would have been around the same age! Now most of my child’s friends’ parents will be so much younger than me.
Despite the things I’ve missed out on, I’m thankful for the time I got to spend growing my relationship with God and growing my relationship with my husband. I’ve been thankful for the time to really learn who I am and to grow as an individual. Now, I am so excited for the next chapter. I am eager to see who I become and to see who my baby will become!
I’d like to invite you to join in on our journey and help be an answer to prayer. In most states, insurance companies are not required to cover fertility treatment. Our next part of our journey will have to be paid for out of pocket! A round of IVF for example can cost $15,000 to $20,000! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and fertility treatments. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.
