Baby Idol
We all do it. At least those of us who are trying and struggling. We research different sex positions. We lay on the bed with our legs in the air after sex. We try different diets. Then we try a couple more. We try different workout routines. We take weird supplements that are supposed to be a “miracle pill.” We track our cycles on our phones and hope they are accurate enough to tell us when we are ovulating. We eat pineapple because we heard it’s good for fertility for some reason. We do all of the research trying to find the cure to our infertility.
Then we get online and doom scroll Facebook. While online, we quickly close the app or web browser. We just can’t today. Betty is pregnant again. She already has 3! Sharon posted a milestone update on little Susie with her laying on the blankets with the months listed. Joyce posted a cute picture of her and her baby, saying, “I just love motherhood!” Nicole is posting another pregnancy update and Erin just posted maternity pictures.
We close our laptop or put down our phone and cry. Sometimes that pit in our stomach creeps in again- self-pity, jealousy, anger. There is also frustration and sadness. Why can’t that be me? When is it my turn? Then we are bombarded by people telling us, “Just relax,” or “Why don’t you just adopt?” These comments are well meaning, but let me tell you from first hand experience, they are not helpful.
Social media is terrible for women struggling with infertility. The real world is not much better when so many of our friends and peers get pregnant and have babies. It is especially hard when family and close friends get pregnant. That was my breaking point when a close friend AND my sister-in-law were both pregnant.
We finally had a ray of hope in January of 2025. Nick and I finally got health insurance after not having it for a long time. We had been trying to have a baby for over 5 years. It was time to see an OB-GYN again. It was time to get help with my health and infertility.
Two years prior, I began having excessively heavy menstrual periods. The first time it happened, we were sure we had a miscarriage. In hindsight, I should have gone to the emergency room. My periods continued like this until we were able to get medical help.
After forcing a withdrawal bleed using a drug called Provera (progesterone pill), having lab work done, and an ultrasound, it was determined that my uterine lining was abnormally thick. In order to help reduce my lining to a healthy thickness and help me ovulate, we decided to perform a procedure called a D&C, or dilation and curettage. The doctor would go into my uterus through the cervix and scrape down my uterine lining while I was under anesthesia. Once the procedure was done, the plan was to manage my periods by using a regimen of Provera monthly.
During surgery, it was discovered that I was filled to the brim with polyps. They were so numerous that they were blocking my fallopian tubes! “No wonder you couldn’t get pregnant!” my OB exclaimed after the procedure! She assured us that now our chances of getting pregnant were good.
The polyps were removed from my uterus. They did not look calcified, so the OB did not suspect infection or cancer. To be safe, the polyps were sent to a lab for analysis. After the procedure, I felt so good. My body felt lighter. We were also so excited and had our hopes restored! We were going to be parents after waiting for so long! It was finally going to be my turn!
Genesis 1:1- “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth…” He made all the plants and animals. He created the ocean and its wonders. He created the sky, stars, planets, sun, moon, and its vastness. The world was beautiful and perfect. God called it “good.” Then he created man, male and female, and the earth was “very good.”
But Adam and Eve made a bad choice that impacted the rest of human history. They chose to eat the fruit from the tree God specifically told them NOT to eat from. As a result, their relationship with God was damaged and they were kicked out of the garden of Eden.
As part of their punishment, God told Eve that she would have pain in childbearing. In Jen Wilkins’s study, “God of Creation” that covers Genesis 1-11, she indicates that this passage is not just talking about physical pain. The process and mechanics of having a baby were going to be the same. Yes, having a baby is physically painful. But so is miscarriage and stillbirth. So is infertility. So is having a difficult child with emotional or behavioral needs. So is watching your child die, like Mary watching her son Jesus die on a cross!
Becoming a mom and being a mom are way harder than they need to be because of the fall in chapter 3. Man was commanded by God from the beginning to be “fruitful and multiply.” It is in our nature to want to have children, or to at least have something to nurture.
I know what you’re thinking. There are so many women nowadays who do not want to have children. My youngest sister is one of them. She wants nothing to do with babies! But you should see the way she babies her cat! Maternal instincts are real and valid (even in pet form). So then, imagine someone not being able to have their own child, or to struggle to get pregnant. It goes against our very nature as women.
After my procedure, I was so excited to be a parent. I had my surgery on Thursday. I was still a little sore, but I felt well enough to go to church on Sunday for Easter. I remember holding onto Nick’s arm as we stood and sang in worship. My heart felt overflowing with joy and anticipation over our good news.
I thought about all the things we have tried. I thought about the desires and daydreams. I thought about all of the prayers for God to open my womb. I thought about all of the Pinterest boards of potential nursery themes. Then I thought about God’s goodness. I prayed, and I thanked God that finally we had a chance for a baby. I also prayed, “God help me not turn this baby into an idol.”
What is an idol? A quick Google search of the Biblical definition of an idol says, “In the Bible, an idol is anything that replaces the one true God as the ultimate source of affection, trust, or obedience. While often physically represented as carved figures of wood, stone, or gold, the scriptures define idols spiritually as ‘broken or insufficient saviors.’”
Especially for those of us who go to church or who grew up with Biblical stories, we tend to think about the golden calf in Exodus, or other statues built by human hands. But an idol is so much more. An idol distracts us from what’s important and from loving God. Babies and children are a precious gift from God. But if we are not careful, they can turn into an idol for us.
In Genesis 15, we meet a man named Abram. God promises to turn Abram into a great nation that would bless the rest of the world. However, there was one problem- both him and his wife, Sarai, were elderly and way past the point of having kids.
In chapter 16, instead of trusting God, Sarai takes matters into her own hands. She gave her slave Hagar to Abram as a wife to hopefully have children vicariously through her. Well, Hagar became pregnant. At first glance when you read this story, and all of the times I’ve read it over the years, Sarai seems like the villain. But now that I’ve dealt with my own infertility, I have empathy. It’s like seeing that friend or family member pregnant after you’ve been waiting so long. It hurts. She took her anger and self-pity out on Abram and out on Hagar. The passage says, “Then Sarai dealt harshly with her, and she fled from her.”
Upon reading the passage again, we also see that Hagar was not innocent, however. In verse 5, Sarai complains to Abram, “I gave my servant to your embrace, and when she saw that she had conceived, she looked on me with contempt.” Hagar was broadcasting to the world that she was pregnant. She was rubbing it in Sarai’s face!
According to the notes in my study bible, being pregnant with the clan leader, who in this case was Abram, was a big deal. It gave Hagar a sense of entitlement and higher status. But this was not an excuse to be cruel to Sarai. Nor was it right for Sarai to abuse Hagar out of her own jealousy and self-pity.
God eventually gave Abram and Sarai a second chance. He changed their names in chapter 17 to Abraham and Sarah. They gave birth to a son named Isaac. Isaac gave birth to Jacob. In chapter 29, Jacob meets Rachel, his uncle Laban’s daughter. He fell in love and agreed to work for Laban for 7 years to be able to marry her. On his wedding day, he was tricked into marrying her older sister, Leah. He then worked another 7 years to actually marry Rachel.
Jacob loved Rachel but hated Leah. God, seeing that Leah was hated, opened her womb and blessed her with children. Rachel was barren. Leah gave birth to her first three children, Reuben, Simeon and Levi. She then had her fourth son, Judah and stopped conceiving.
In the next chapter, Rachel is jealous of her sister. She then gave Jacob her servant Bilhah as a wife to have children in her place (sound familiar?). Bilhah had two children, Dan and Naphtali.
The drama continues as Leah sees that Rachel is having children through her servant, and she is jealous because she stopped having children. In retaliation, Leah gave Jacob her servant Zilpah as a wife. Zilpah gave birth to Gad and Asher.
This was such a messy, complicated case of sibling rivalry and a competition for Jacob’s affection. Both of these women found their value, self worth, and identity in having children. When reading through these chapters, I feel like I get whiplash as they go back and forth trying to have more children until Jacob ends up becoming the father of 12 sons!
Having children did not make Jacob love Leah. Jacob was also hurt by Rachel. He loved her, but that was not enough for her. In chapter 30, verse 1, Rachel says to her husband, “Give me children, or I shall die!” In the next verse it says, “Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel…” Her obsession over having a baby was damaging not only to her relationship with her sister, but also to her marriage and relationship with Jacob.
A similar situation is seen in the book of 1 Samuel. Hannah was married to Elkanah and had no children. Elkana also had a second wife named Peninnah. Peninnah had children. Similar to Hagar taunting Sarai or Leah and Rachel taunting each other, chapter 1 verse 6 says, “And her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb.” Instead of retaliating or lashing out, Hannah let her self-pity and sadness overtake her. “Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat.” (7)
Hannah let her despair overtake her. Though she was not angry and did not lash out or blame her husband, her despair affected their relationship as well. Elkanah loved Hannah and would give her double portions of food. In verse 8, he says, “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?” Hannah was valuing having children over everything else, including her husband.
We have all of these terrible examples of women treating each other poorly. They are competing to have the most children. They are rubbing their pregnancies in each other’s faces. They are letting their fertility or infertility get in the way of their relationships. They are letting their desperation for children get in the way of being obedient to God or making choices that honor God. They are finding their value and self-worth in whether or not they can have children.
What about a positive example? Fast forwarding all the way to the New Testament in the book of Luke, there is a man named Zecharaiah. He had a wife named Elizabeth. Luke 1:6 says, “And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord.” The only problem was that Elizabeth was barren. By the time the story takes place, both Zechariah and Elizabeth are “advanced in years.” (7)
Zechariah was a priest. “According to the custom of the priesthood, he was chosen by lot to enter the temple of the Lord and burn incense.” (9) This was a big deal and a privilege as he got to be in the presence of Almighty God! While in the temple, an angel appeared to him and informed him that he was going to have a son and to name him John. Due to his disbelief, Zechariah became mute until John was born.
Despite her husband’s disbelief, Elizabeth stayed obedient and trusted God. When it came time for John to be born, she insisted that his name be John as the Lord had said. She stayed faithful, even when she received pushback from family.
We don’t know much about Elizabeth other than this story and the story of her baby leaping in the womb when she met with Mary, the mother of Jesus. In verse 24, it says, “After these days his wife Elizabeth conceived, and for five months she kept herself hidden, saying, ‘Thus the Lord has done for me in the days when he looked on me, to take away my reproach among people.’”
Elizabeth waited for so long to have a baby. She was “advanced in years” and probably had given up. When God finally opened her womb, and it was finally her turn, she did the opposite of what the other women did. She did the opposite of what most of us do. “She kept herself hidden.” Elizabeth was humble. She did not rub her pregnancy in other people’s faces. She also gave the glory and credit to God- “Thus the Lord has done for me in the days when he looked on me…”
On May 2nd, 2025, I got a phone call from my OB on her personal cell phone. She gave me the devastating news that I had endometrial cancer. All of my newfound hope and dreams were crushed.
We were referred to an oncologist-gynecologist who ordered x-rays, a CT scan, and an MRI. The MRI showed that the cancer was about 28% of the way through my uterine wall. If the cancer made it 100% of the way through, it could spread to my other organs and cause a much bigger problem.
Her initial recommendation was to perform a hysterectomy. However, she knew that we wanted a family. She gave us a choice. There was no evidence to support that treatment would work when the cancer was in the wall. We would be taking a gamble. Things could get worse instead of better. We had to make the most difficult decision- have a hysterectomy or try to save my fertility.
This was such a huge decision, and I had little to no time to make it! I wanted to be a mom so desperately. Having a baby and being a mom would make me happy. But at the end of the day, I cared more about being obedient and honoring to God than choosing my own selfish desires.
I really wrestled with this choice. I wanted to be like Elizabeth, not like the other biblical matriarchs. I wanted to be righteous and walk blamelessly before God, like she did. I wanted to make the choice that would be pleasing to God. Did He want me to have a hysterectomy? Was he planning on giving me a family by other means, such as adoption or foster care? But if I went through with the hysterectomy, that might rob me of the opportunity to trust Him and see Him work in my life.
If I tried to treat the cancer, there was the potential to have a baby at the end of this cancer journey. I would have the opportunity to see God work in miraculous ways. I would be able to learn to trust Him. But there was also the concern, “Am I doing this for me, or for God?”
After a lot of prayer and wise counsel, Nick and I decided to take a chance and pursue the fertility preservation route. We decided to treat the cancer, despite the risks. God has been so good to us. He has healed both my body and my soul in so many ways. During this time of uncertainty, I have no choice but to trust Him.
I had a third D&C procedure in November, 2025. The biopsy from the procedure showed that there were still cancer cells present. The nurse told me at this point the cancer should be gone or almost gone. This is not how things seemed. I requested to have another MRI to be sure.
Nick and I waited anxiously for the MRI results. We were overjoyed to learn that the cancer was completely out of my uterine wall! We could continue with treatment. We were beating back the cancer! We celebrated by going out to lunch. Then we went to Target to look at the baby section and dream!
I am so excited that I am getting healthy again. I am so excited to potentially have a baby. But I am realizing that I need to be careful. I can’t assume that a baby is what God has planned at the end of this. If He does, wonderful! If not, I need to continue to trust and obey Him. I have no room to be prideful. Whether or not I have a baby is outside of my control. It is in God’s hands.
Just a note to women who are fertile and have babies and families- be aware when you’re posting online. 1 in 10 women struggle with infertility. There is someone online seeing your pictures and videos. They are seeing your pregnancy announcements, and they are hurting.
In 1 Corinthian 8, Paul is talking to the Corinthians about eating meat offered to idols. He encourages the believers to make choices that will protect the conscience of their brothers and sisters. Even if they already know idols are not real gods, eating meat offered to false gods may lead a brother or sister to sin. He says in verse 13, “Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble.”
A similar concept can be thought of when sharing your pregnancies and babies on social medial. I speak for myself, but I think a lot of women with infertility can relate. Infertility is painful, but it can also easily lead us into sin. I confess to you, my sisters, that I struggle with envy, bitterness, and self-pity. We feel bad for ourselves which leads us down a rabbit hole of sin.
Yes, your baby is cute. It’s okay to be proud to be a mom. But maybe think before you post. “Does this need to be shared online?” “Is this something I can keep to myself?” “Would this better be shared with close family through a text or group chat?” “How can I help the grieving hearts of my sisters with infertility keep from sinning?”
To my infertile sisters- We need to have some self-reflection and maybe a heart-to-heart with God. How is our self-pity deterring us? How is our anger and jealousy hurting ourselves and our relationships with those who love us? Are we so focused on having a baby that we forget to look to our Heavenly Father? Do we really trust Him, even in the midst and pain of infertility? Are we letting our grief lead us into sin?
Whether you have babies or not, our identity is not found in having kids. It’s not found in being a mom. Our identity needs to be in Christ. Infertility is painful. Being a mom is hard. No matter our situation, we need to be aware of our pride. We need to worship God, not our baby idols.
Mary went to visit Elizabeth when she was 6 months pregnant with John the Baptist. They were excited to see each other and rejoiced together. This should be all of our attitudes. Let’s be like Elizabeth, humble trusting of the Lord. Let’s be like Mary, also trusting and supportive. Let’s support one another and build each other up. Let’s not be divided, but show each other compassion.
Lord willing that I become a parent, I hope to be like Elizabeth. I hope to stay humble and trust the Lord. I’d like to invite you to join in on our journey and help be an answer to prayer with us. In most states, insurance companies are not required to cover fertility treatment. Our next part of our journey will have to be paid for out of pocket! A round of IVF for example can cost $15,000 to $20,000! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and fertility treatments. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.
