Not a fan of the hills
Every summer when I was in college and graduate school, I worked at a small amusement park. I was pretty spoiled. I had a cushy job in the office with the air conditioning! As a perk for working at the park, I got to go to the park for free on my days off using my employee badge. After working so many days, I was able to get free tickets to give to family and friends.
I went to the park a few times. Sometimes I’d go with a coworker or two, or I’d bring my family. Ironically, I am not a fan of roller coasters. I have to baby-step my way into riding a big coaster. I usually start with the small kiddie rides, like Tilt-A-Whirl. By the time I get to the big coasters, I’m praying, “God, I don’t want to die today!”
For me, the worst part of a roller coaster is the hills. I can handle coasters with more jerking motion better than those with giant hills. I hate the feeling of your stomach flipping. I hate the feeling of falling. I’d rather keep my feet on the ground where they belong! Cancer is a lot like a roller coaster. There are so many ups and downs and it feels just as miserable.
My roller coaster really started when I was young. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. When I was little, I used to pray at bedtime that God would let me have twins- a boy and a girl! I’ve always dreamed of being a mom and having my own family. Well, my expectations and dreams were crushed. When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with PCOS. My doctor explained that I would not be able to have children. I was crushed. My first downhill.
As I grew older and learned more about my diagnosis, I came to understand that having a baby was still possible! It was just going to be harder. I held onto the hope of still having a family. In December of 2019, my husband Nick and I decided to start working on fulfilling that dream. For 5 and ½ years, we waited.
Every time I had a weird cramp, or thought my breasts felt tender, I’d take a pregnancy test. Each test was a disappointment every time. Most of the time, I’d tell myself that I wasn’t pregnant so that maybe I wouldn’t be disappointed. It didn’t work. I was still brokenhearted to see only one line.
As time went on, my periods started to happen farther and farther apart. They also became lighter and lighter. I finally had a “normal” period in March of 2023 with actual bleeding. In April, I had a period again. This was weird since they never happened that close together anymore. But this was also not a “normal” period. I wouldn’t even call it a “heavy” period. This was catastrophic. There was so much blood that we thought maybe I was having a miscarriage. I really should have gone to the emergency room.
My periods continued to be catastrophic like this for the next two years. In 2025, Nick and I finally got health insurance. As soon as I was able to, I scheduled an appointment with an OB-GYN. After some testing, the doctor told me I had an abnormally thick uterine lining. To fix the problem, we decided to do a procedure called a D&C, or dilation and curettage. The doctor would go in, shave down my lining, then we’d manage my periods with medication.
During the procedure, we found that I was filled to the brim with polyps! They were so numerous, they were even blocking my fallopian tubes! My OB indicated she did not see any calcification, so she did not suspect cancer or infection. To be safe, she sent the polyps to a lab for analysis. After the procedure, she assured Nick and I that our chances of having a baby looked good again.
Finally! We were moving uphill! Hope was restored. We had answers. We were so excited to finally have a family! Then the doctor called me a couple of weeks later. Another downhill. She gave me the devastating news that I had endometrial cancer.
There was a ray of hope. The doctor told me, out of all of the cancers, endometrial cancer is one of the easiest to treat. She didn’t expect me to need chemotherapy. She said I would probably just be given a pill to take. She explained that after the cancer was treated, I would need to get help having a baby. Once we had a baby, we’d do a hysterectomy to prevent the cancer from coming back. I was sad about only having one baby, but I still held onto the hope that I still got to have one. A slight uphill.
I was quickly referred to a gynecologist-oncologist. She explained that the sample taken during my D&C did not give enough information to show what was going on with the cancer. She ordered a CT scan and an MRI. We knew we caught the cancer early, and we were hopeful enough that treatment would be simple and quick.
The CT scan results came back first. The physician’s assistant on the phone told me the CT showed no cancer! Wait… what? I was very confused. I was told that probably during my D&C, the cancer was removed along with my polyps. I was in remission. This was amazing news!
After I got off the phone, I took such a huge sigh of relief. Everything was going to be okay. I felt more hopeful about the MRI results and about my future. Maybe this wasn’t going to be such a big deal afterall. Then the MRI results finally came in. I went speeding down the hill again.
Things were apparently worse than we thought. The CT showed that I was cancer free. The MRI however showed something really bad. I definitely was not in remission. I definitely still had cancer. It was growing in my myometrium, or uterine wall. The cancer had grown about 28% of the way through the wall. If it made it 100% of the way, the cancer would have access to my ovaries and other neighboring organs.
I was so confused, devastated, and scared. It was so heartbreaking to think I was cancer-free, then all of a sudden talking with my doctor about having a hysterectomy. What a 180 degree flip! My hope of having a baby looked hopeless again.
The oncologist knew that Nick and I wanted to have a family. The standard practice when the cancer is in the uterine wall is to do a hysterectomy. However, people in our position have been pushing the envelope more and more. There is no evidence to support that treatment is effective when the cancer is growing in the muscle tissue, but she gave us the option to try.
After a lot of prayer, wise counsel, and affirmation from the Lord, we decided to try to treat my cancer. You can read about how we came to our decision here. The next thing I knew, I was scheduled for yet another D&C. This time, the doctor would be taking a biopsy sample and inserting an IUD into my uterus. The IUD would emit progesterone to target the cancer more directly. In addition, I was to continue taking my oral medication.
After my surgery, the biopsy results came back. They showed improvement. The doctor okayed us to continue with treatment. We were hopeful that with the IUD, treatment would be even more effective. We knew what we were doing was risky, but I had hope that the Lord would heal me, and that everything would be okay.
In November, I had another D&C. My most recent ultrasound showed another polyp developing and some calcification. The doctor wanted to take a closer look. She also took another biopsy at that time. We were hopeful that improvement was made.
I got the call with my results shortly after my surgery. The results still showed cancer cells. The PA on the phone told me that at this point, the cancer should be gone or almost gone. That is not what the results were showing. I was so devastated. This is not what I had prayed for. I requested to have another MRI done to confirm what the biopsy showed.
Nick and I were preparing ourselves for the worst. I was bracing myself for one more surgery. I cried over my dreams shattering. I prayed and prayed. I knew it was important to trust God, but God what are you doing? I was so sure that God was going to heal me. This is not what I had in mind.
After my MRI, we were scheduled for a phone visit with the oncologist. Well, we were more told “the doctor will call at some point in between surgeries.” I took the day off from work. I knew if we got bad news, I would need the day to cry and grieve. I laid in the bed with Nick, anxious to receive the call. We just laid there together, our hearts pounding. I just stared at my phone. Then the doctor finally called.
She had just gotten the MRI results and was looking them over. We braced ourselves for bad news, but then were hit the face with amazing news! The cancer was out of the uterine wall! Completely gone! She said the cancer cells found during my biopsy were probably leftover cells that had been ejected from the wall. Our hope was once again restored. We could continue treatment! Instead of grieving that day, Nick and I went out to celebrate and dream about our future family! Talk about an uphill climb!
The next biopsy was done in the office. That was one of the most painful things I had ever gone through, but it was cheaper and less drastic than another D&C. The results came back quickly. We got even more good news! Things were going in the right direction! Instead of cancer, the biopsy showed pre-cancer cells! Because pre-cancer can turn back into cancer, the doctor instructed me to continue with treatment. We would then do another biopsy in July. Nick and I were so excited at the progress we made!
July came and I went in for another in-office biopsy. Remember how I said the biopsy in March was one of the most painful things I had ever gone through? I lied. The biopsy in July was so much worse! I was cramping that day. When you cramp, your uterus contracts and constricts, which makes it difficult to reach in to get a biopsy sample. Let’s say, I didn’t tolerate the pain well, and the sample we got was not great.
We were still hopeful for progress. Last time, there was just pre-cancer. I was so sure that the cancer would be completely gone. I just knew it. I was so excited to be cancer free! A week after my biopsy, the results came in.
The PA told me the results showed pre-cancer cells still. The sample we got during the biopsy was not very good. Probably because the doctor couldn’t reach very far inside my uterus. Since we had a bad sample, she told me there was a 40% chance that I still had fully grown cancer cells in my uterus. She confirmed, there are no masses. If there are cancer cells still, they are just floating in my uterus. I do not have any masses or growths. I thanked her, then hung up the phone and went to work. Any feelings I had were stuffed down inside me. I had clients I needed to focus on.
Later that night, Nick commented, “You’re handling this pretty well.” Once he said that, the feelings came flooding in. Feelings of anxiety. Feelings of hopelessness. Feelings of exhaustion. Along with the feelings came my tears. We were headed downhill on the roller coaster again.
I was so sure the cancer was going to be gone. I was so ready for it to be gone. I am so physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. I was looking forward to this all being over. I am so tired of cramping every day. I am tired of cancelling clients because I don’t feel well, or missing out of social gatherings with friends. I hate not being able to clean my house or take my dog for a walk because I hurt so bad.
As Nick and I talked about the results, he said, “I think you’re about ready to be done.” He can see my pain and exhaustion. He is also ready for me to not be in pain. It is so difficult for him to watch me hurt so bad all of the time. We toyed with the idea of letting the next follow-up be the end. If the cancer was still there, maybe we need to be done. That thought is so devastating to me, especially after all I have already been through. Was it all for nothing? Have we truly wasted our time?
I think this most recent biopsy result really exposed my exhaustion. I have endured and persevered for over a year. I wanted to be done. Can I keep going? Is this a sign that I am ready to be done, or is this the time to press into God more?
Throughout my 33 years of life, I have seen God do amazing things and get me through so many hardships. All throughout this cancer journey, I have trusted the Lord. I prayed for God to help me trust Him even more. I have kept a positive attitude, even throughout all of the downhills on this roller coaster called cancer. But now, keeping a positive attitude is getting more difficult.
I think for the first time throughout all of this, I am finding myself slowing down and feeling my hurt and exhaustion. Even though I still only have pre-cancer cells (that we know of), I am feeling just so disappointed. I had high expectations for this biopsy, and I was deeply let down. So where do we go from here? How do we deal with disappointment? Is it okay to be disappointed? Can I be disappointed and trust the Lord at the same time?
The Bible is filled with examples of disappointment. In Psalms 42 and 43, David writes “Why so downcast, oh my soul?” In Psalm 42, David sounds a lot like me right now. He says in verse 3, “My tears have been my food day and night…” and “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?” He then turns around and says “Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” This is pretty much the format of the psalm. “Why so downcast, O my soul,” then “Hope in God!” I often go back and forth similarly. I often pray, “God, why are you letting this happen?” Then I will pray, “God, you are good and I trust you.”
Psalm 43 is similar. He spends much of the psalm grieving his predicament. He says in verse 2b, “why have you rejected me? Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?” David spent years being pursued by Saul who wanted to take his life! He had to be exhausted and probably wondered when his trial would end. Despite his difficult situation, he says in verse 4, “Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre…” He then continues “Why so downcast, O my soul,” and “Hope in God” for the last verse of the psalm.
David clearly has a heavy heart. He is in deep grief and turmoil. But he always returns to the idea of putting his hope in God. His response is praise, despite the pain he feels in his heart.
Psalm 34 is another example to look at. It was written by David as he was still fleeing from Saul. David tried to hide in enemy territory, but was recognized. God delivered him from the fearful situation, though he did not stop Saul from pursuing him. Sometimes God allows us to go through trials and does not always take us out of the fight right away.
Verse 4 says, “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” Then in verse 6 and 7, he says, “This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.” David cried out to God, God heard him, and saved him. This is comforting to me that our prayers and cries to God do not fall on deaf ears!
In verse 19, he says “The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.” The psalm talks about taking refuge in God for protection. We are going to face troubles in this life. “The righteous person” is not immune to trouble or suffering. But we have a God who is with us, keeping us safe during times of trouble.
David then says in verse 8, “taste and see that the Lord is good.” Cancer is not good. But through this whole journey, I am comforted by my Father and reminded to trust Him. There has been so much growth in my faith, and I am able to see God provide for me over and over again.
A lot of people, both Christians and non-believers, ask the question “Why does God allow suffering?” Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for that. I can say that sin, suffering, and death were not part of God’s original plan for us. But God is with us through it, protecting us and delivering us from our biggest enemy- sin. Through my own personal suffering, I have tasted and seen the goodness of God. These psalms are a reminder of that.
When talking about trials and suffering, people of faith often look to the book of Job as well. Job was a righteous man. He was wealthy. He had a big family with many children. They were all grown and had their own homes, so he probably had grandchildren as well. He had flocks and fields. This man had everything going for him.
Then suddenly, through no fault of his own, Job lost everything. His children and grandchildren were dead. His flocks died or were stolen. His crops died. And as if that wasn’t enough, he ended up covered in sores and sitting in ashes. His wife was not supportive of him at all during this trial as she told him in chapter 2, verse 9, “‘Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die.’” He went from literally having everything to having absolutely nothing.
In chapter 1, verse 21 and 22, it says, “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.” In chapter 2, verse 10, it says, “In all this Job did not sin with his lips.” Job was in so much physical and emotional pain. He lost everything, and his health was in shambles, but he did not curse God.
Though Job chose not to curse God, he was definitely upset about everything. Job sat in sackcloth and ashes, which was a typical mourning practice for the Israelites during Biblical times. Then, in chapter 3, Job curses the day he was born!
He has a conversation with 3 friends who are not very helpful and are just flat out wrong about why Job is being afflicted. Job complains to his friends about his sufferings and blames God for it. He starts to question God, so God answers “out of the whirlwind.”
Through his awesome power, God reminds Job who is in control. “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements – surely you know!” (Job 38:4-5).
It is okay to not understand why we suffer. It is okay to be upset when bad things happen. From Job, we learn to trust that God is in control. He created the universe and all that is in it. He brought order out of chaos. He is in control, even when things feel out of control. We just have to trust.
The story of Job has a happy ending. God restored all that was lost to him. Job did not deserve to have everything restored, but God chose to be merciful and bless him anyway. The story of Job is referenced in the book of James in the New Testament. In chapter 5, verse 11, James says, “Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.”
Even in our waiting and our suffering, God is merciful to us. He asks of us that we remain faithful and steadfast to Him. The book of James also says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4)
Other translations of this passage use the word “steadfastness” instead of “perseverance.” Trials make us resilient. We are made “mature and complete, not lacking anything.” This maturity refers to our faith and our relationship with the Lord. We lack nothing because we have everything in Christ. God uses our trials for our good, not to hurt us. His goal is to bring us closer to Him and to make us look like Him.
The process of being made to look like Jesus is called sanctification. I once heard an analogy for sanctification in a marriage. Each person is represented by a rock. When they are put in a tin can and shaken vigorously, they turn into diamonds. Similarly, when metal is put through fire, it can then be shaped and formed into a sword. The potter sometimes has to scrape pieces of clay, squash and squeeze to make the jar the perfect size and shape for its intended purpose.
Without trials in our life, we cannot experience the true peace of God or experience such a beautiful relationship with Him. Through trials, we are taught to trust Him and look to him for relief and provision. Throughout this cancer journey, I have seen God provide in amazing ways. I have seen him answer prayers. I have learned to find my comfort in Him.
I know this is not the last trial I am going to endure in this life. Life is still going to be hard. There is still going to be a lot of pain. But I know God is going to use every opportunity to mold me into His likeness and bring me closer to Him.
So, from the scriptures, we see David praising God, despite his circumstances. He seeks refuge in the Lord. Job reminds us that God is in control. It is okay to be upset when bad things happen, but we need to remember the one who created order out of chaos and trust His ways. James encourages us to be steadfast, or to endure during our suffering. God wants to show us mercy and bring us closer to Him through our suffering.
Yes, I am still upset. I still cry a lot. I am so exhausted and frustrated. I don’t understand what God is doing. I don’t understand why I needed to suffer for so long and why I continue to suffer through cancer. But the scriptures give me a clear response. I need to look up to Him. I need to trust that God is in control. I need to persevere, even when it is hard. Now is the time to lean into my Father who is merciful and loves me.
I am so ready to get off this roller coaster. Unfortunately, once you’re buckled in, you’re in it until it’s over. I know I’m dramatic when I pray “God, I don’t want to die today,” as I get on an actual roller coaster. But in my everyday life, I have a Father who I can say, “God, get me through this day. Let the roller coaster ride be over soon.” I know that He is with me.
My next follow-up with the oncologist is in October. Because I did not handle the last in-office biopsy well, we will be doing yet another D&C. I am dreading the price tag for this surgery! Cancer is expensive as well as fertility treatments. In most states, insurance companies are not required to cover fertility treatment. Our next part of our journey will have to be paid for out of pocket! A round of IVF for example can cost $15,000 to $20,000! Thankfully, my sweet sister-in-law started a GoFundMe campaign for us to help with medical bills and fertility treatments. Follow me on social media and check out future blog posts as I share my story. Breast cancer seems to get all the attention in the media. But not all cancer is pink! My aim is to share my story and bring awareness beyond the pink ribbon.
